Big breasts (a.k.a. Mommy didn't love me)
Updated: July 25, 2006
I am a member of the male gender of the human race. I pee while standing. I like big cars and guns. I am a man.
But I do not understand men's infatuation with large-size breasts. I really don't. A few weeks ago, some of my
buddies and myself went to a nice respectable pub. We conquered a table, sat down, ordered drinks, then leaned
back and started to relax after a long, tedious week of work. The most important part of our relaxation included
ogling various specimens of the female gender and grading them - 5.5 was the passing mark, i.e. you would
voluntarily, in a sober state, accompany the woman to a bedroom. And then, enter two ladies.
I instantly noticed the one on the left. I gave her a nice round 7. Then I saw the one on the right. She was
simply unattractive. Plain face, shoulders wider than hips, no ass, skinny legs. She failed the exam. When I
asked one of my buddies what he thought, he said it was a perfect 10! I almost punched him in the face. What the
hell? I asked him what he found attractive about her? Her face? He said no. Her waist? He said no. Her behind? He
said no. Then he smirked shyly and whispered from the corner of his mouth: "but she has big breasts ..."
Apparently, half of our group thought the one on the right was a "hottie" - and for one reason only. Her final
frontier. Damn. How could it be? She looked like a scarecrow with a couple of pumpkins. Stumped by this peculiar
phenomenon, I decided to study the case more deeply. Being a true scientist at heart, I tried to mince the
complex problem into small bits.
The human eye is a delicate instrument. It's one of the more sophisticated cameras available on the market.
It's sharp and reliable, and it does wonders with what we see around us. Unlike digital equipment, our ocular
lenses are hooked in directly into our emotional chip, and thus what we see reflects what we feel and vice versa.
Human seeing is more than just a collection of colors and shapes. It's a physical experience.
Men with Big Breasts Syndrome (MWBBS) have a different vision than men like me. Their nerve-optical system has
evolved from the basic design to one that suits best their emotional palette. The shape of their eye-balls, the
pupils, the retinae, and even the concentration of sensors on the retinae have changed and adapted to their needs.
For instance, the human eye does not see the infra-red spectrum. The reason for that is the fact the human is a
day-time scavenger and has no need to see the prey by its heat signature in the dark. That's another reason why our
nocturnal vision is black and white rather than SVGA.
The same applies to MWBBS. Their optics are a hybrid system specifically tuned for their requirements. After a very
extensive research, I have been able to come up with some rather startling resulting to prove this. Take a look at
exemplar 1. The picture below represents a woman with very large breasts.
Human A, who is NOT a member of the MWBBS group will see and mentally interpret the exemplar 1 like this:
On the other hand, Human B, a dedicated member of the MWBBS group will see the following mental image:
Very intriguing. I then used the powerful MATLAB image processing toolbox to analyze the results. First, I used a
IIR low-pass filter on the picture. Then I convolved the neural images from the groups A and B to find the
correlation between them. FFT lent me the eigen-frequencies of the images. And finally, Radon transform on the
bilinearly interpolated sinogram of the original image gave me what I needed. I got some very interesting results.
This is a comparison of what the men from the two groups saw (digital interpolation of retinal imagery):
Group A: The image is seen in full detail; each pixel is equally saturated.
Group B: The image is dominated by the breasts only; all of the optical
sensors are focused on the target; the over-saturation causes a significant degradation of all and any
This phenomenon is typical to any man in the MWBBS group when faced with big breasts. The occurrence was not
related to the woman in the picture at all. In subsequent experiments, I replaced the woman image with empty
background, a ship, a dolphin, and even a man's image, and in all cases, the result was the same.
Big Breasts (B) is a a very special linear unity operator with a single expectation value of B. In other words:
< bra | B | ket > = BMen with Big Breasts Syndrome see only Big Breasts. We can't blame them for that. But there must be a
The reason behind the phenomenon
What could possibly cause men to have such a narrow, vector vision? I thought the reason could not be purely
physical. A social element was definitely involved. I decided to interview a group of my friends, relatives,
colleagues and associates at work, and even a number of complete strangers who agreed to participate in my survey.
I asked them about taste in boobs while trying to find a link to their family status, income, level of education,
origin, and even religion. All of these gave me no cutting conclusion.
But then ... I went very personal and intrusive. I asked them to describe the relationship they had with their
mothers. I wanted to know how freely and openly they could talk to their moms about their lives, whether as
teenagers they could consult their moms about girlfriends and "other" life issues, if they could enjoy a mature
conversion about sex with their female parent. The conclusion was stunning:
Apparently, the fetish for watermelons comes from a simple childhood deficiency - communications with your
mother. Men incapable of solid, healthy relationship with their mothers develop a very elemental attitude towards
women. The inability to explore this avenue of emotions severely restricts their ability to attach themselves to
those aspects of the woman that require a relatively high level of communication; instead, they remain fixated on
the one aspect of communication that was granted instinctively, subconsciously - breast feeding.
- The more open one's relationship with one's mother - the less consequential the size of breasts.
- The more alienated one's relationship with one's mother - the bigger the breasts that man preferred.
In grown men, this lack of communication becomes a huge need - through the one way of communication that they
recognize and can adhere to - for attention and understanding, on the most basic of communications levels; the
larger the need the bigger breasts. Do not misinterpret the very act of breast feeding with the communications
malfunction; even a man that has never been breast fed will not necessarily develop the syndrome if other emotional
aspects of his relationship with his mother are fulfilled. Here's a small comparison table:
The level of communication with one's mother
The size of the breasts one will prefer
Complete openness; mother is a real friend
No relevance to size; anything goes
Slight reservation; one can talk to his mother about almost anything except the most intimate issues
B is too small; C is the barest minimum
Medium standoff; one can consult his mother about mortgage, babies or wallpaint, but never about anything
that has to do with women; one will introduce his girlfriends to his mother only before a possible wedding
D seems comfortable enough; DD is better
Total alienation; mother is a frightening icon of authority
Nothing will ever be big enough
No one should be blamed. That's the way it is. The relationship depends on so many levels. However, it is most
often dictated by the parents and their attitude in the education of their children, which is often a bit
conservative and reserved, resulting in the high number of MWBBS.
If you have ever wondered why you seem so enraptured by tits, here's your answer. If you ever wondered why some men
seem to be infatuated by women who may look like a biohazard but with prominent DDs, here's your answer. If you
want your male children to grow up to be men more appreciative of other bodily parts, here's your answer. Don't get
me wrong. Big breasts are OK. Like a big car; doesn't hurt to have one or two around. But, if the one and only
thing you see in women are their boobs, it means your mommy didn't love you ... enough.
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