The intricacies of female footwear (RE high-heel shoes)
Updated: July 12, 2008
One of the most ... curious phenomena in the world is the female supernatural ability to walk on high-heeled
shoes for hours without end, something that would have caused the staunchest of men to weep in agony. This has
remained one of the great mysteries of modern times ... until now, for I have unveiled it.
To fully understand the phenomenon, we need to dissect it into little bits.
Reasons for wearing high-heeled shoes in the first place
Some of you may have seen a few movies featuring men in wigs strutting about 17th century courts with their calves
draped in silk hose and their feet clad in high-heeled shoes. Or you may have read it somewhere. Well, this fashion
began with a vertically challenged French king, who could not bear the fact most of his servants and noble
retainers were much taller than him. So, he was faced with a difficult challenge:
- Cut everyone's feet off.
- Invent an aid that would boost him in the eyes of his people.
Wisely, Louis Whatever (one from I to CXIII) chose option 2. For a few decades, men suffered grueling pain in the
small of their back until the guillotine was invented and the wicked men were removed from the power.
But how did women come to wear these shoes? After all, it was a manly thing.
Well, we all know that women were always treated as second-best in our benevolent and enlightened history. They
always got the short end of the stick. For the first time, the men were actually jealous of their wives, who were
comfortably strolling about in flat shoes, while they had to suffer prancing in heels. This could not be
Men painted the shoes pink and sprinkled them with spangles and Voila! Bob's your uncle! Women started wearing the
shiny, useless things. To everyone's shock, there seemed to be no ill effect. The women were happy! It was
Men wanted to ban the women from wearing the high-heeled shoes, when the more brainy of our peers stepped in and
pointed out the few subtle improvements in overall female looks resulting from the change. Since, high-heeled shoes
are the man's favorite piece of decoration.
Hah! You probably ask yourselves how the women managed to trick men in the late years of the 17th century? Because,
aren't we all basically the same? Men walk on two feet - and so do women. What makes the difference?
Until very recently, this was one of the greatest secrets of medicine. Thanks to the advancement in the
computerized imaging technology, we are finally, for the first time, able to understand the reasons for female
superiority in footwear.
Here's an MRI scan showing the lower back of a typical male
And here's one of a woman. Ta-dam!
No, you are not mistaken! Women have springs in their lower back.
Now the tricky part - Logic
Since, the times have changed. Today, fashion dictates the needs of the modern, liberated woman. Unfortunately, we
see an alarming trend. Female shoes are getting uglier by the day. The man's favorite decoration is being turned
into some sort of a mutant Barbie shoe show, far from the original concept.
Which brings me to the third element of this here article - logic. Women managed to trick us with their anatomy.
But what about the beauty or style? Do they possess yet other weapons we might not be aware of, which could justify
the new, modern lack of taste?
The answer is: no.
As a rule, women will wear anything, provided it is payed for by someone else's credit card. This means that men
will be forced to suffer the fluctuations of the fashion trends, which currently take us from logic and beauty.
Until a savior arrives and redesigns the high heeled shoes to become once again what they used to be in the good
old days - a hours de ouvre to a nice healthy meal ...
To demonstrate how difficult the times are today, here's a little demonstration of the recent fashion logic:
Here's the look of a "modern" high-heeled shoe, the latest rave:
Something is fishy here, wouldn't you say? Cause I was under the impression that a heel stands for the bulge at the
back of a foot. But we can clearly see that the little spike elevating the foot is mounted mid-sole.
To really understand how disturbing this trend is, let us imagine a perfectly ordinary T-shirt. Now, T-shirts have
this tendency to have these so-called sleeves, for these so-called arms, which are usually located on the uppermost
Now, if we were to follow the shoe logic from before, then we can safely place the sleeves somewhere in the
Here's the result:
For the connoisseurs among you, I have created a little GIF animation, demonstrating my divine skills with
See? So dear women, please stop buying these abominations and go back to the old, plain high heels that actually
made us turn our heads rather than puke inside our brains.
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