Bash shellshock, bending phones, celeb nudes, and more

Updated: September 29, 2014

Welcome to Dedoimedo's pit of despair. Today, we will discuss everything in one article. All of the problems that plague us. All of them. Physics tells us there are eight laws of conservation, covering energy, momentum, weak isospin, and a few other geeky terms. However, what physics fails to account for is the ninth law. The law of human bitching.

For any given situation, humans will complain at a constant rate, regardless of what the problem is. Therefore, if you are not facing starvation problems, flooding, earthquakes, war, crime, and other human trifles, you will elevate other problems to the top of the list in order to preserve your perception of wrongness being done unto you. To wit, security vulnerabilities in software, phones that bend and nude celebrity leaks. Let's discuss.


Note: Image taken from Wikimedia, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.

Bash Shellshock vulnerability

This is a serious one. For real. Even Dedoimedo admits. But then, you need to be level-headed about this whole thing. It allows for remote exploits, by sending arbitrary commands to services that uses Bash as their shell interpreter. In other words, for most people at home, this is not a big problem. They sit behind routers, firewall and most do not even run any kind of services that listen on external networks in the first place.


All your shellshock are belong to ... someone; image, public domain.

This is of great concern to content providers, Web hosting companies and everyone else in the business, but for home users, the drama can be toned down a little. Think about it, really. You have your Ubuntu box, for instance, and it is vulnerable. So what. Do you have anyone else using your box beside you? Do you have any open ports? If the answer is no, or I don't know, then you're fine. Nothing too sinister is going to happen. Just wait a day or two, patch your system, and forget about this whole thing. At least the update cycle is quite trivial. Next.

Nude photos being leaked and whatnot

Now, here's a hot topic. Supposedly. People take photos of themselves in the nude and/or stupid situations, upload this to external cloud backup storage, and when these services get hacked, all hell breaks lose. Invasion of privacy. More drama of related sort.

Unfortunately, by focusing on all the wrong parts in this equation, people miss the whole point of why this bullshit came to bear in the first place. People, REGARDLESS of their GENDER took pictures of themselves in compromising states of clothing and action and then UPLOADED these pictures to PUBLIC servers somewhere out there, to which we shall generically refer to as THE CLOUD. Read that again. Twice.

The thing is, yes, people have every right to do whatever they want. Yes, if someone abuses their data, it is a crime. However, there is no reason to help other people invade your privacy. Those things can happen in the digital world. You do not have to be an idiot and lend a friendly hand. You don't leave your door open to let burglars sneak in more easily. You don't give ammunition to someone pointing a gun at your head. It works as follows really:

Do you take pictures or videos of yourself in embarrassing situations?

Do you upload these pictures or videos to a public place?

If the answer to any one of these two questions is yes, then you are an idiot, and you are helping the great swarm of Internet dwellers abuse your privacy. People must be aware of the fact any digital information, I repeat ANY digital information, can be potentially leaked beyond the intended boundaries of their storage and use. If that happens, you might find yourself in an awkward position.

If you are aware of this, then you should take every step to prevent any such situation from occurring in the FIRST place. You should definitely not take permanent digital records of yourself in situations that could incriminate you, or at least, make you look like a fool. You should not upload these files to third-party servers, because this way, you make them more easily accessible to everyone else, NSA, script kiddies and whoever included. Think about it. You're handing pictures of your naked junk to someone else. Hello? Stupidity check?

Yes, technically, fundamentally, you have EVERY right to take any photo or video you want and use them any way you want. That works great for Utopia, so please send my regards to the president as well as the country's IT staff and their most impeccable digital security record next time you are there. Seriously. Be sensible. Think about it. Do not increase risks to your own privacy if you can avoid it. Try to balance your personal life, fun and public exposure. And most definitely, you should not expect sympathy from the greater Internet. Do you really think people out there ought to feel bad for what happened to a bunch of filthy rich, beautiful, highly successful celebrities due to their silly and entirely voluntary actions? It's like asking the toilet bowl to sympathize with its contents. Pointless.


This kind of self-vouyerism can come back to haunt you!

On the other hand, if you do like to selfie your nudity, then be aware of the consequences, and if cacky hits the fan, bear it stoically and without any great fussing. That's an option, too. Damage control. If you know these thing, and you do them willingly, and with full knowledge of what can happen, then God's speed, happy sailing. Next.

Bending iPhones

Oh, drama. Phones that cost more than what 37% of the world's population earn in a year. That's 2.5 billion souls. Let's put Ebola on hold for a while, posh people worldwide have bigger issues. Please. Imagine that. If you apply significant force, plastic and metal will bend. BFD9000. How about you do this little trick: before you sit down, you REMOVE your phone from your pocket, and then fold your body down into a sitting position. Golly. Amazing. Why would anyone want to sit on six inches of plastic, carbon, glass, and aluminum anyhow? Beats me. Or you could simply buy Nokia, muahahahahaha. Next.

Hot metal bending

Note: Image taken from Wikimedia, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.


There's no more next. I've done my share of education, and now you can go back to gently ignoring me, because my posts are harsh and brilliant, and it's more fun reading carefully tailored and 100% politically correct articles that do not challenge your blissfully ignorant view of the world. Keep reading stuff that caters to your moral guilt and reaffirms your beliefs. That's the most awesome way to live your lives.

Disdain is probably the best word that comes to mind when you think of the crap that people come up with to justify their pointless existence. It is slightly unfair to put the Bash vulnerability on the same scale as these other horribly serious ultra-first-world problems, but still, it's been a most glorious week. Don't forget the message of the day, don't take pics of your nude bodies. It will bite you one day. Toodaloo.