Updated: July 9, 2014
Welcome. This article is like the mega-ultra-summary of all the software, programs, applications, and operating systems that are so bloody annoying you could chainsaw dolphins from the sheer anger of using them.
Indeed, I want to talk you about some of the most cardinally stupid creations of binary code, which you happen to have to use. In other words, you don't have a choice, and you are kind of forced to suffer these programs, and with each new iteration, they only get worse and more intrusive and less productive and more cartoonish and even more idiotic and you feel your intelligence melting, your life draining away, and your happy mojo slowly fading in their presence. Shall we explore?
Like I have outlined in my Skype ads article, this is a very capable chat and VoIP software, but it's a lousy product. Not only does it serve ads, and I have nothing against ads, in a shitty manner, it also serves the most irrelevant content in the world. The older version 4.x still available in Linux is the last decent version of this program. The new stuff is simply crayon bullshit for idiots.
And this is a great opportunity to introduce my finger-salute metric system. The scale ranges from 1-5, where one is something you just despise gently, like your ex. Three is approximately equal to standing in a queue for six hours in a Swiss bank only to have someone barge in front of you, and not one of those ultra-pedantic anally retentive clerks pays this transgression any heed. Five is like you wish you had left your Glock at home, because you've just flipped the safety pin, and you can hear Bohemian Rhapsody in your head. Five is reality TV and news combined. Five is stupid people. On the annoyance scale, Skype gets 3/5 points.
Once upon a time, this used to be my favorite torrent client. But once they started bundling crap with their installer, and each time it became a guess game of whether I was going to end up with a new toolbar or unwanted plugin or suchlike, I removed it from my arsenal for good.
Grade: 2/5 on the annoyance scale.
Unfortunately, lately, my favorite browser has been going downhill. We had the glorious interface suckfest, and then all the majesty of honesty and tiles and whatnot bundled into a marketing package. And for all those telling me how I'm an Fx troll [sic] and how I'm not writing about other browsers with this kind of attention and passion. For a good reason, because I don't find them useful. Chrome is a toy overall, and Internet Explorer is simply meh. Satisfied. Anyhow, Firefox is now on my annoyance list, and I will replace it once a successful alternative presents itself. Firefox gets 2/5 rating:
Adobe (R) Flash
With constant updates that break the work flow, i.e. mute thingie, plugin container and EMET conflicts, issues with the protected mode, plus the fact they always like to tell me how the top ten games on Facebook use Flash each time there's a new version popup on my desktop, all of these combined make me hate this little thing with a passion. I am waiting for this technology to vanish for good. Adobe has some great commercial products, among the best in the world, but Flash is not among them by a whole light year of suck.
And the grade is 4/5 fingers:
Why would anyone need Java? Only because code monkeys like lots of dots in their object-oriented orgy? Yes, portable and all, fine. But have you ever used any corporate tool that is based on Java that does not suck, narwhal size? Any commercial applet that does not stall everything? Have you ever seen a browser not complain about the Java plugin being insecure and thus not disabled by default?
I can appreciate the fact Eclipse is so extensible, and I don't mind people making a living by using a framework that makes me feel like mass murder is a good thing, but people should also not mind me writing about the software that makes me contemplate mass murder as a humanity bonus. Grade 4/5.
Now, you really do not have to use this colossal failure. But your workplace may force you to use this pseudo-touch bullshit in your office, and you don't really have a choice, and so I sympathize with you, dear readers. Or you simply might be testing the software, like I do, and constantly encountering tons of problems that are the highlight product of moronity.
The moment Windows 8.X restores the standard menu, I will bow down in humility and admit the greatness of the company called Microsoft, because it is virtually unheard of in the enterprise world that someone acknowledges a mistake on their end. And even though the decision may be entirely financial, it makes no difference. It will be a great moment, and a chance for Microsoft to restore some of its dignity and boost the sales back, and if not, they will keep failing and wonder why. This from the same house that giveth you a legendary XP, a jolly good Windows 7 and the aforementioned EMET, an awesome little program. Windows 8.X gets a solid 5/5:
There we are. Now, not all is bad. Flash, Java, Skype, Firefox, some others, they are fairly capable and useful programs. They got where they are by contributing core value to people's lives. But then, the marketing sharks got greedy and bundled shit with these products, turning excellence into excrements. The sad cycle of humanity.
Now, the solutions are so easy. Go back into the valley of trust, where profit is less but fairness is high. Alas, I am preaching to the wrong crowd. No one cares about integrity anymore. It's all about money, money, money. The users can rot in hell. Well, here we are, and the next time we talk about these programs, I truly hope I will be able to provide you with robust, truly useful alternatives offering the same functionality sans the crap. Take care and stay tuned. Oh, ping me if you have other candidates, right.