Updated: September 17, 2014
Some time back, not that long ago, an eternity by Internet standards, I reviewed Samsung Galaxy S4, and found it to be an adequate piece of hardware, designed for people who are totally not me. I am more sort of a Nokia Lumia fan. But never mind that.
There was one big problem with this smartphone. Yes, big. The thing is just too damn big. Huge in fact. Ungainly, colossal, the modern equivalent of the totally tubular 80s boombox. Therefore, I spent a whole day thinking what S4 could be used for, in addition to the standard share of talk, chat, IM, music, and the usual pointless eking of the modern populace. To wit, we have this article.
If you are too cheap to buy a proper romance paddle, then you can use your smartphone as a cheap substitute. With it's large size and the perforated steel casing for good grip, it's an ideal choice for some good wholesale family entertainment. Just make sure the screen is locked, so you don't end up making an accidental phone call, after all it's a touch device.
Disciplining your wife
When not playing in the bedroom, your significant other may give you the stink eye or the lip, and you might be forced to undertake some drastic measures to restore your pride and dignity and keep her in check. Because of its paddle-like size and grip, S4 is a fairly good choice, unless you prefer an old-fashioned approach with a belt. Now, I wonder how many angry emails I am going to get for this. Baited. So please.
Educating your children
Your overrated offspring will be the reason why you drive an affordable sedan instead of a decent car. And they will most likely misbehave, putting your rich and meaningful lifestyle to a test. Which means you will probably be forced to undertake some more drastic measures to restore peace into your family cell. Same rules as above.
BTW, do notice there is a difference between education and discipline. In Tennis terms, these two are called forehand and backhand, respectively. Maddox has most brilliantly explained much of the theory behind this in his illustrious article on love.
If your workplace coffee machine does not dispense double cups or cup sleeves, you may find the journey back to the little borg cubicle carrying the hot liquid in a thin cardboard vessel that burns your soft programmer's fingertips too much of an adventure. Worry not, S4 comes to the rescue. Equity galore, just place the cup on its shiny metal back and carry it like you would a tray in a restaurant. Perfo-steel adds traction. Problem solved.
You have all heard how a sturdy Nokia allegedly stopped a bullet and saved the owner. Maybe, maybe not. But Galaxy S4 sounds like a good piece of hardware to carry around. One, it gives you all the connectivity you need, so you can tweet your updates, or play Angry Turds while under bombardment. Two, it might protect your precious nethers, as it is conveniently way WAY larger than most male thingie wossname, plus it can fit right there, where the Kevlar is scarce. Three, well, there's no three. Oh, yes there is. Some say there might be battery problems, which kind of explode. IED anymore? Genius. Genius.
There you go. Funny. No? Forever alone. But I think you can appreciate the not so subtle message of this article, even though you may struggle to figure what it really is. Poking innocent fun? A jibe at the sheer size of the device? A disdainful look at the society drenched in pointless consumerism? Trolling? You decide.
Either way, Samsung S4 has many great uses beyond the expected communications and entertainment vectors. It might spice your intimacy or elevate your status as the dominant figure in your household. That, or get your arrested. Finally, keep your soft, gentle Python coding fingers pristine, and maybe protect your dingleberries so you end up procreating and polluting the planet with still more unneeded offspring. All because you bought a bigass phone, compensating much. Well, don't take this too seriously. Still, a bit seriously, yes.
P.S. No smartphones were harmed during the writing of this article.