Diet pig

Updated: October 27, 2007

This article is mainly intended for women. Any man who has drunk or drinks or intends to drink diet beverages should definitely consider buying a brochure explaining the fine details of excision of the vas deferens, as they ought not procreate.

Here we go:

Long long time ago, I can still recall a day back at the university. Me and some mates were sitting on a porch in front of the students' union cafeteria, basking in the sun, injecting photons into our malnourished bodies, having a drink before a deadly exam in Quantum Mechanics 2.

Then enter a fair lady, dressed very posh-like with a paper bag containing pastry and a bottle of a diet version of a carbonated beverage. She sat at a table near us and started gobbling what appeared to be a fat, dripping chocolate croissant. Every once in a while, she took a sip of her diet drink.

My fuses lit up instantly. There was a woman, who possibly believed that the nuggets of cholesterol she was munching were somehow balanced by the chemicals contained in her diet crap, failing to realize that an excess intake of calories could not be remedied without added metabolic or sportive activities. It amazed me that a person studying at the most lucrative university in the country - although at one of the female faculties, no doubt - could fall for such a stupendous absurdity.

I'm being unfair, I told myself. Maybe she likes diet drinks? Maybe she adores chocolate and must ingest it - but does not wish the bonus of even more calories contained in the beverages? Maybe she didn't care at all about what she ate.

But then my eyes slid down, off the table, to her belly. Peeking through the body-hugging contours of her black shirt were rubbery bulbs of lard, layered atop one another like coils of Bavarian sausage. All doubts evaporated at that moment. I was certain. She was on a sort of a ... quotation marks, both hands ... diet!

Diagram explaining futile diets

To help the humanity become a better one, I have compiled a short scientific lecture that clarifies this subject. The evidence / results displayed below are a culmination of a long and arduous project aimed at objectively and accurately analyzing some of the most aggravating phenomena of the human diet psyche.

Complete Set of Conjugate Operators (CSCO)

Adding up numbers is very simple. Here's how it goes. Take a pastry product, worth 500 Kcal. Take a diet beverage, worth 0 Kcal. When both are consumed, a stunning thing happens:

500 Kcal + 0 Kcal = 500 Kcal

Important! The below mathematics do NOT apply:

500 Kcal x 0 Kcal = 0 Kcal

Eating & drinking is a cumulative process defined by the linear operator gluttonian (+), without an inverse member. This means that the total sum cannot be reduced - only negated by destructive ladder operators sportian (s) or metabolismian (m). The less strict product operator (x) is not Hermitian and cannot take place in the Food phase-space. But it can be substituted with good-geneticisian (g).

By the way, diet beverages suck ...

Toilet bowl
Visits to the lavatory have never been more frequent or as pleasant, thanks to the diet beverages

Ever wondered how healthy diet beverages are? Take a peek at the label on a bottle or a can. You will probably notice, under Ingredients, that the max. amount of diet beverages that a person may intake in a day is about 2 liters. Wonder why?

Well, apparently, the human cannot shed weight without actually doing something, a sad fact. Therefore, the scientists have invented a sort of a formula that is supposed to give lazy, self-loathing people an excuse to continue indulging in their meaningless eking by stimulating their digestion system to work overtime.

So, when you drink diet beverages, you are turbo-charging your guts. Drink too much of that crap and you'll digestion system will seize and capitulate, to the utmost embarrassment of no one but you, since soling yourself at any age above 3 is really a spoiler.

One might argue that the diet beverages, diapers or no, really help you flush food out of your system faster. The reality is - your body underwent a bout of impotent foreplay. It ate, expecting to gain something from the food. But all it got was a bit of warmup and an empty feeling of frustration. It will get pissed and hold grudge. The next time you eat, it will cram up calories into the cells just to spite you, knowing you are a flirtatious yet unpredictable little diet wannabe. Instead of getting thinner, you'll only get fatter. And we know the rest.

If you care a bit about yourself and do not wish to end up a divorced housewife with old tattoos on the lower back stretched to obscenity, then you should remember two simple principles - and abide by them:

Don't get fooled by the pretty looks ...

This reminds me of a joke a friend told me back during the university studies. It's more sort of an IQ exam, because it puts the woman's logic to the test. It goes like this:

Horse is a vegetarian animal (fact, wait until she approves; if she does not, get out of there quickly). If a horse is not given any food for a week - and then presented with a juicy steak, will it eat the meat or not?

  1. Answer A: Yes.
  2. Answer B: No - and more importantly, WHY?

Asking this riddle is a must on the first date. Should the woman respond with answer (A) - or happen to wear pink clothes - or both, make sure you only pay for your part of the meal and get out of there as quickly as possible. Your manhood is at stake!

Finally, here's a tip for the ladies

On your first data with someone (of male persuasion), do make sure to eat lightly, sort of nibble rather than gobble, because men are quite good at extrapolating the woman's eating habits into the future. That's it. Hopefully, my article has taught you a valuable lesson - and most probably elevated your self esteem to a whole new plane.