Updated: November 7, 2011
I tortured your mind with my crazy rants on TV and film quite a few times in the past. We talked about science fiction classic mistakes, parts one and two, we talked about movies that build your character and we had a lovely expose on the six most overrated productions ever made in the English speaking world. Now, it's time to discuss several more would-be blockbusters, which turned out to be plebeian darlings but are in fact shiny turds. Let me open your eyes to the reality.
One liner: You wish they all drowned.
Romeo and Juliet, Victorian style, with emphasis on the social class distinction. If racism could be a boat, it would be Titanic. Good riddance I say. So there was this big ship and it hit an iceberg and proved that ice can be just as sturdy as steel. Conspiracy lovers out there, take note.
Now, I don't see why they have to spoil a perfectly legit shipwreck, probably the biggest or the most famous in recent history and make it insignificant with a fake story of love. Worse yet, how could anyone possibly relate to this? Oh, I understand, it's supposed to be a girly movie. But then, why do all women movies must have suffering? Why does the charming lad must die or at least be horribly maimed? Titanic, check, Sense & Sensibility, check, The English Patient, check, The Ghost, check, c'mon. Does this tell us something sinister about how women perceive us? And for the record, Leonardo is not a handsome man nor a good actor. Done. Grade: Dedoimedo thinks this one merits -1/10, the best ever.
One liner: There's no curse, Pan Am did not fail because of this movie.
Some people like to coincide cosmic events, like cinematographic productions and bad economy management of large corporations, which tells you how much depth this movie really has. As a nerd and a geek, I am supposed to be in love with this movie, but what can I say, I really don't like all those movies that tell us what the future will like in 30-60 years. Think about, 2019, that's the future promised. Eight years from now, CentOS 6 will still be supported and everyone will lament about how IPv4 space is running out of addresses and that we really, really, really should begin the adoption of IPv6. Instead, you get flying cars, decadence, corruption, Big Brother, androids, spaceships. Dystopian my kernel. Seriously. How cheap and generic can you go? The only thing missing is The Postman post-apocalyptic technology. Bows and arrows versus lasers, that ought to do it.
Blade Runner is a simple, classic sci-fi movie. And that's all. There's nothing special about it. Except it's too dark, which is always annoying. In general, it may be more somber and less fun than the Demolition Man, but the idea is just about the same. So if you're into improbable, at least you should enjoy it. Dedoimedo grants the production some 4 points out of 10.
Saving Private Ryan
One liner: Also known as Shaving Ryan's privates.
We must not forget the sacrifice of all the brave people who fought for our freedom in WWII, which is exactly why you should not watch this movie. Steven Spielberg ought to stick to fantasy and science fiction, because his best productions so far are E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial and The Goonies, and his worst productions are serious movies like Schindler's List and this one. Don't get angry just yet, read on.
The opening scene is 20 minutes of ketchup blood and plastic guts that most people would call profound and realistic. And then, it becomes a modern western. You have a bunch of soldiers marching through France, killing bad guys. Shallow, hollow, made for shock. There's no genuine terror of war, no feeling of despair or anger, no sense of belonging, no historical value. The characters are bland and meaningless and culturally diverse. Of course, let us not forget the classic stereotypes nor the happy ending, as we know that WWII was a jolly affair, full of hope and whatnot. Finally, the movie narrows down to a mother of all scenes where everyone dies expect the one guy, guess who, so he can go home and tell the story of the great sacrifice. Saving Private Ryan is a weak movie, based on fake morality, false sentiments, sweet as sugar and just as bad for your teeth. On the Dedoimedo scale, this gem gets 1/10.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
One liner: WTF.
Tim Curry is best known for his role as Cardinal Richelieu in The Three Musketeers, as well as a dozen more sober productions, plus his phenomenal portrayal of Dr. Frank-n-Furter, an intergalactic transvestite slash genius, in The Picture Show. The only problem is, if you put aside the shock effect, which the movie must have caused back in the 70s, you're left with a musical. And the only thing worse than a musical is being hung, drawn and quartered.
The movie is something you watch with a mild expression of regret for the money and time spent that tapers into religion toward the end, as rationalization is a powerful weapon against despair and bad choices. Since the movie has no plot per se, most people decided it's better they proclaim the movie as brilliant and become worshipers than be dubbed as noobs and cretins by the would-be enlightened pseudo-modernistic crowds of fanatic followers. What more, you can hardly call yourself an idiot, can you? The Rocky Horror Picture Show is so unconventional that you might be tempted to call it the hallmark of culture and whatnot, but it's just that, a jumbled idea designed to be different for the sake of difference, because that's how you win your stars in the entertainment world. Wear your knickers on the outside and you'll be special. Dedoimedo grade for this thingie: 4/10.
One liner: two hours of Brad Pitt pouting prettily in front of a camera.
While the wind gently blows his golden hair about. A cast of mostly ugly people with wispy beards and/or women that really look like they could have brought down nations with their petulance. Oh, it is also the movie that made me hate Orlando Bloom until he redeemed himself in the Kingdom of Heaven. But that's only the setting. The plot is the real creme de la turde. You know what happens. Troy falls. In between, you get all the usual and unneeded stuff that goes into epic productions. It's like those movies that read: based on a true story. Yes, there was a man. And that's about all that's true and based. Then he turns into a werewolf and kills everyone in London, but hey, we were true to the reality, to some point, statistics be damned.
Now, why would anyone call the people of Troy as Trojans, spelled with a j. Why not troyans? How's that for ruining the historical with we-must-appease-the-crowds who probably can't figure out the subtle geographical location of countries like Greece or Turkey on the world map. On the Dedoimedo scale, this one gets 2/10.
Wow, so much culture, you may think you're on a museum tour somewhere! But I just gave you the truth about several more movies that seemed to have captivated the crowds and made it big despite their obvious, blatant disregard of intelligence or morality, and sometimes both.
Neither of these movies deserves watching, surely not more than once. After all, you can't really know how it's going to turn out until after you've watched. It's kind of a Schroedinger's Cat paradox, sans the physics. Along with the first six movies, this collection goes into the waste bin. Don't bother, and if you did, chuckle with glee as you read and enjoy and, most of all, agree with my review. Have fun.
P.S. All of the pictures save the one depicted in the Blade Runner style are in public domain.