Updated: April 10, 2009
Living in the brave new era of Crocs and reality TV shows? Confused by the style of the novo human? Having trouble catching up with the rest of us crawling happily into the jaws of the 21st Century, the Web 2.0 and asymmetric global warfare? Worry not, Dedoimedo will help you acclimatize!
If you happen to have had your identity shaped some time ago, in the golden age of Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal, when men spoke little and did a lot, you must be terrified of the onslaught of these new sexual identities swirling around you, threating the very core of your manhood. Not surprising, considering the world has changed so much in the last 20 years or so. Wearing loafers with no socks and faded jeans with no knickers underneath is no longer the latest fashion. The good ole TV shows like Miami Vice, Moonlighting and Magnum have been replaced by all manners of hemorrhage-inducing, diarrhea-flavored, H-grade, quasi-pornographic, soulsell reality shows. The favorite pasttime activities like football, drinking with your mates in the pub and molesting female co-workers have become unpopular with the soft, young generations. Once, beating your wife and kids was considered good manners and fatherly care. Today, you may even have to do some community service if you persist with these family-bonding activities.
And amidst all this politically correct mayhem comes a new lexicon of names and terms. Mostly sexual. You have heard of them. You've seen them. But you don't really know what they are.
This splendid guide will explain them you, pointing out the subtle details and delicate differences. From now on, you shall no longer lag behind the masses. You will talk the talk and walk the walk. So, without further ado, let us begin.
Metrosexual has a penchant for the underground rail transportation. As you may expect, Metrosexuals are usually found in big cities, where the underground rail network infrastructure is highly developed. Metrosexuals are highly popular in New York, USA and Paris, France.
During daylight, Metrosexuals usually work in posh offices, often using their favorite mode of transportation to reach them, mixing business with pleasure, per se.
There is another type of Metrosexual, though, usually found in Great Britain. This species has evolved from the pasty-skinned bloke that flashes the police cars then runs away, also sometimes seen interrupting the football matches, often in winter. The British Metrosexual is a great fan of the British automotive industry, as epitomized in the image below.
The Metrosexual is sometimes wrongly referred to as Subsexual. The truth is, the Subsexual does not exist.
Hummussexual is the guy who likes to take a dip [sic]. The hummussexual really can't resist the texture and feel of the hummus paste, flavored with fresh parsley leaves and sweet paprika, with just a sprinkling of olive oil and some pinenuts.
Hummussexuals are not popular in countries where hummus is a dominant dish, because people do not like hairy guys wearing funny coats and sporting most perverted mustache to mess with their meals. In Western Europe countries, where hummus is less prevalent, this type of sexuals is not so harshly frowned upon.
This species is sometimes to referred to as heterosexual, but this is merely a hideous spelling mistake. The Heathrowsexual likes to hang around London's busiest airport, where he find pleasure in the sleek, shiny fuselages and busty nacelles of turbofan engines of different airliners. The Heathrowsexual is known to like his planes with very big engines and long landing gear struts.
Again, this species is sometimes wrongly referred to as transexual, yet another spelling mistake. Trainsexuals are quite popular in Asia, where the developing train industry helps them flourish. Western tourists are known to be fascinated with Asian locomotive industry. Trainssexuals quite often change routes and switch cars when traveling, making it somewhat difficult to track after them.
Many people think bisexuals have something to do with genders. This could not be further from the truth. In fact, most bisexuals are aging, balding hi-tech workers, burdened by their family lives and long hours spent in tiny cubicles washed in fluorescent light. To get away from the routine of line, bisexuals take to their bicycles and ride them hard down the country's highway shoulders, often jeopardizing their lives in these risky escapades. Bisexuals are rather harmless though. They are polite and shy, even though they will spend more money on a pair of very thin wheels than on the education of their own children.
Men are right in claiming that most buysexuals are women - and that most women are buysexual. Indeed, very few men are buysexuals. They sometimes fall into the former category, but rarely this one.
Buysexuals get pleasure from spending countless hours strolling down the aisles of consumer goods in shops and supermarkets all over the world. Some studies even show that buysexuals get more pleasure from melting the plastic of their credit cards than acts of progeny with their significant others.
Buysexuals are always willing to experiment and try new stuff. Quite often, several buysexuals will get together and share the experience.
The recent economic downturn that everyone seems to fussed about has hurt the status and image of the buysexual. As the world curls its fungi toes back to more traditional values, a typical reaction in dire times, the number of buysexuals is expected to drop.
Credits for the images:
There you go! Now, you're one of the modern, enlightened people of the world. You can now walk proudly among the mingling crowds. The 21st century may be hiding many wonders and horrors up its sleeves, but with the right amount of Prozac and beautifully written web article explaining the situation to you, you just might get away with grasping the oily thrills of the new modern society, where the olden boundaries are blurring more than your vision after a few gallons of beers.
Have fun exploring the venues of your identity! No sexuals were hurt during the writing of this article.
That would be it. Cheers.