Survivor - Survive this!

Updated: May 10, 2008

I know I have already written about Reality TV. I am also aware that I am inadvertently drawing attention to the show when the whole purpose of this article is to ridicule it and make people avoid it. Still, it is necessary, for the greater good of this world. But this nugget of diarrhea deserves extra attention.

Survivor, in all its international flavors, is a show intended to enlighten and thrill us with the adventures of a group of amateur-porn-looking-and-behaving-like young men and women, stranded on a deserted (usually tropical) island.

More nonsense

Throughout the series, these men and women must pit their intellect and silicon boobs against the forces of nature. Most often, the participants are divided into teams, competing against one another with one contestant being eliminated at the end of each episode. Decisions leading to a participant's elimination are based on the rating figures rather than anything remotely logical.

Furthermore, the tasks assigned to the competing teams are usually inane, trivial matters designed to shock visually first and foremost. Eating insects seems like the favorite pastime. But other idiotic assignments may pop up, like ferrying coconuts across a stretch of swamp in your underpants.

Sounds vaguely interesting, except that one should also consider the emotional and physical debasement the competitors willingly subject themselves to, as well as the fact there are always approximately 200 TV crewmen all around, filming the entire charade. Oh, and it's all fake, of course.

It is amazing how female participants manage to remain sexy throughout the series, despite the "obvious" lack of even the basic sanitary facilities. Yet, the legs remains as smooth as silk and the eyebrows never seem to unite. Furthermore, not even one of these urban little kids seems to suffer from any exotic tropical diseases, like dengue fever or malaria, despite literally living among insects and eating and drinking whatever and whatnot.

Survivor - recipe

As if this were not enough to convince you the show is nothing but a sack of bollocks, consider this: One of the most logic-defeating moments in the series is when one of the participants is being alone. Except this solitude is broadcast to millions of suckers all over the world. It may be only me, but I always considered the state of being alone as something you take part in individually. In other words, there is no one there to witness the situation / state - otherwise, you are not really alone, are you.

How real can things be when you have a TV host, a battalion of his assistants, and 47 camera lenses focused on you? Like a dear friend of mine used to say - if you want reality to become fantasy, write a book - or bring a camera. Well, I just made that up. Besides, where are the ugly people? If this reality TV shows are meant to be "real," then real people should participate in the shows. Ugly, fat people with cholesterol problems, divorced torn couples, criminals, drug addicts. Where is the cream of human society?

Instead, all you get are porn wannabes who don't want to get associated with full frontal nudity in their CVs. Well, I can respect the adult industry actors and actresses. At least they make a honest living of their jobs and are not ashamed of it. At least they got some courage. Survivor participants are nothing but hypocrites (hippos living in Crete) and cowards.

However, this clearly explains why the show is so popular. You get covert porn on prime time, sold as a reality show. All the repressed conservatives of the world now have a perfect excuse to enjoy a bit of flesh without pretending to be against nudity.

The reason I dislike the show is that it pretends to be real. They could have called it: "A weak interpretation of what real survival on a desert island might look like" - and I would not have objected, not a single word. But don't sell me cacky in a bun and call it a delicatessen. Now, here's what the real Survivor should be like:

Survivor - Editor's Uncut version

Location, on the tri-state border between Georgia, Armenia and Azerbaijan.

Georgia - map

This image has been taken from Wikipedia and is distributed under GNU FDL license.

The show begins when a Russian Ministry of Interior Mi-8 helicopters lands a party of Westerners on the border and takes off (followed by sporadic AK-47 fire). The team then must complete a series of tasks:

The ultimate goal of the show is to remain physically intact, inviolate and survive the occasional gunfire battles between associated parties. The first to reach Tbilisi is the winner. Reward: the brand new ZAZ 968M Zaporozhec (sky blue).

While my show might not portray the survival so brightly and innocently as the existing format, I guarantee it would shake the pillars of modern entertainment. And if would definitely garner huge ratings, because there's nothing like the real chance of violence that compels the human eyes to the TV screens.

I would like to thank all the brainwashed people who could not contain their urges and had to talk to me about Survivor, even though I clearly explained to them my loathing and revulsion for the show. Nevertheless, without their assistance, this article could not have been, for their banal stories provided with the required detail and scorn that you read now.

Users' contribution

My loyal readers have decided to spice up this lovely article with their contributions. Here's an image, created by a friend and a fan of this website (and the article in particular), showing his idea to how the recipe for the TV show called Survivor could be improved even more. We had the original image:

Survivor - recipe

And here's the IMPROVED image:

Survivor - recipe improved

Thanks to David for making this fabulous GIF!