How to cheat on your wife without getting caught guide

Updated: December 24, 2012

Please, do not be so conservative. Men are men, they can't help themselves. It is not up to us to lay blame at other people's doorsteps. What we can do is help them make the right decisions and behave responsibly. Hence this article, laced with just a bit of trolling for good measure.

Anyhow, I happen to have three work colleagues who are, let's say, for the lack of a better phrase, good at juggling women without getting caught. As one of them puts it, backup. You have a software backup, why not have a personal one? Indeed. Since I am a nosy bastard, I weeded the information out of them, and realized this could be a great article, real combat experience from men with years of practice. They refused at first, but when I told them the article would go up, with their names if they refused to comply, they promptly offered advice, which you are now reading. So please read. P.S. The article applies equally to girlfriends, too.

Tip 1: Use a mistress with the same name

You either choose a woman who answers to the same name as your significant other, or you make her answer to it, so you do not get confused when angry, passionate, drunk, or all three, in the wrong place at the wrong time. This is not a simple thing, especially if your wife/girlfriend has an exotic name like Xena, but it should work. Discipline is the key.

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Tip 2: No children - go for younger mistresses

Usually, women in their early twenties are less likely to want to commit to motherhood, while also being more prone to the quasi-romantic illusion of having an affair with an older person, or just someone already in a relationship with some other woman. The older they get, the more demanding and more prone to accidental pregnancies, which you must avoid at all cost, until you hit the so called MILF-divorce phase space, when you become safe again. Rubberized products are your best friend here. Do not believe when she tells you she's on the pill. That's how mistakes are made. You don't want a Glenn Close situation developing in your kitchen.

P.S. There's also the overall maintenance factor to consider. Younger women have lesser demands, and it is well known that people can easily get used to new, higher standards, but cannot scale back to lower ones easily. Therefore, make sure you do not start your romance with a diamond ring, because the next thing on the menu will be your soul and then some.

Tip 3: No home address or phone or work place

The worst thing ever, except nuclear holocaust, is your mistress showing up at your doorstep and trying to get acquainted with your other lady. Women have these funny ideas, and this is one of them, except you will probably not laugh much, or at all, or even have time to laugh having being poisoned with a Thallium-laced tea. Once again, you do not want any fatal attraction situations escalating in your home.

Tip 4: Signed contracts

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This is a hardcore tip, but for those with lots of money and/or engaged in serious relationships with children. You certainly do not wish to lose your Ferrari just because you were enamored by a nice set of D cups. Hence, you ought to force your mistresses to sign a contract, where they agree not to sue for any compensation whatsoever, and that any changes in their status due to, because of, directly or indirectly caused by their relationship with you will not be eligible for claims.

Tip 5: Strict daily routine

If you must live perilously, make sure your daily schedule is played out with precision. You cannot suddenly start having late night meetings if you never had them before. You cannot suddenly miss your wife, family or anything of that sort. Best if you squeeze some adulterations during work hours. You win twice this way.

Tip 6: Abroad is good

Having a short affair while on a trip is a good way to avoid all commitment, with minimal risks. If you must, always opt for a mistress who lives in a galaxy far, far away. Remember, men are only accountable for as many children as they pay for. Loyalty is inversely proportional to the square root of distance from one's spouse slash significant other.

Tip 7: Claim a vague family relation

If you must be seen with your mistress, it's best if you declare her as a cousin from that side of the family no one speaks to. This way, you can avoid looking like a creepy older guy hanging out with a college chick. You can safely dodge awkward questions by helping family. That's always justifiable. However, in this case you must restrict yourself to the same race or nationality, as awkward questions might arise.

Tip 8: Do not shirk your family duties, waste finances

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This is the most irresponsible thing you can do. You must never use the money saved for your children's education to buy your other woman a pearl necklace or sponsor a trip to an exotic island, even if you're going on that same trip. Not only will you be setting up a dangerous, irrevocable precedent, you will increase the entropy of your situation. Extra-curricular activities require extra-curricular funds. Best if she pays.

Tip 9: Do not brag about it

Vanity is one the man's greatest vices. If you happen to be the lady killer who manages to live the wild life of a playboy, make sure you keep all the fame to yourself. Many a man has committed the serious error of divulging their secret to friends, after which the information became public domain. Bear the burden of your fun in silence. That's the price tragic heroes have to pay for their plight to society.

Personal message from Dedoimedo

Now, a bit of mantra from me. My general recommendation is, much like anti-virus software, which you should not be running in pairs as they might cause trouble, not to involve yourselves with more than a single woman at a same time. Failing that, you should be responsible and avoid personal embarrassment, risks to your family and career, and make sure the monetary front is all sorted out.

I also recommend being smart and making the right choice in partners, love, romance and all that, but if you happen to be average, as most people are, given the divorce rate of about 50% worldwide where applicable, you are quite likely to make a big mistake. Therefore, you are bound to make yourself miserable. The best course of action is to suck it up, but if you must, then bail out. In between, use the tips laid out above as a mitigating middle ground, you compromising little plonker.


The ultimate woman is one with brains, humor, good and solid education so she does not need your credit card in pursuit of her happiness, plus hopefully a strong desire not to procreate. Hard to find, although Europe is bursting with potential candidates nowadays, on its way to becoming a modern and extinct Rome. However, most men will settle for far, far less, resulting in much hurt and disappointment once the wedding is over and the hostage situation in the form of a couple of kids, or more, ensues.

In this merry state, some men will stray. Others will do so just to see if they can get away with it, or as they say, for the LULZ. To wit, this awesome tutorial, which is in fact a combat survival guide, compiled by the best warriors out there, with a combined eleven years of infidelity experience and 100% success rate. You are free to thank me for blackmailing people into divulging information for this article.

And in general, if you by any chance feel compelled to cheat despite and because of all the advice laid out here, then you should never forget to watch Fatal Attraction before you commence to start being naughty. Should help you sort out of your priorities and understand the extent of possibilities of your endeavor.

P.S. The artistic images are in public domain.


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