If I had a country



Updated: August 12, 2011

If I had a country, it would be called Dedoimedoland. And it would be the bestest country in the world. Of course, I would be the supreme ruler. Now, at this point, you may be wondering whether I've hit the senility stage or perchance started using hallucinogenic acids. The answer is neither. What I want to do today is debate how the world ought to be governed. I'll give you my personal vision of what a proper country should look like.

Democracy? That's for the weak. Oligarchy? Dictatorship? Maybe, but not the way it's done today, the old-fashioned way. Perhaps weighed-democracy with stock options like civil merits plus a benevolent tyrant helping people make the best decisions? Not bad. What about the economy? What about education? All shall be answered today. And then you will realize it's a shame that I have not yet been chosen as King of the Solar System.

King

Form of government

If you've read my whitelist vs. blacklist article, you will know by now that democracy has a higher overall stability, since changes are spread over a large base, resulting in tiny fluctuations. This means that both progress and regression are slow. In a way, it's the rule of the average. Autocratic governments allow for much faster, more radical changes, for better or worse. This means that you can achieve tremendous prosperity in a very short span of time with the right man or woman ruling. At the same time, you can bring about ruin just as quickly.

So why not combine both?

My recommendation is to grant people the right to vote, but make the vote unequal. Today, everyone can vote, and this is a little disturbing. You would not everyone to be a doctor, nor a police officer, so why give these people the power to decide the future of your country?

Now, what criteria would I base the voting power?

Nothing racial or stupid like that. First, every adult would have one voting point by the grace of their existence. That's basic democracy right there. Now, you earn extra points for being a good citizen, so to speak. One point for higher education, one point for high income, one point for volunteering in the community, one point for a spotless criminal record, minus one point for having a criminal record, and so forth. Fine tuning the criteria with small decimal point merits would be things like: smoking, owning pets, number of children, and so forth. But we'll get there, too.

In the end, everyone would have a vote that mirrors their influence in the society. Which stands to logic. People are not equal, in deeds, intentions, spirit, or influence. Therefore, their votes cannot be equal. In pretty much every single company, senior management gets more money and more stock options than junior grade workers. Now, no one finds this unfair or unbalanced, so there's no reason why this model cannot be applied to society.

You may say that more powerful people would get more points and that this kind of governing would be skewed in the favor of the rich and beautiful. This is not true. Wealth would grant you just one voting point above the declared threshold, so someone with an average income and a good community spirit would have the same amount of influence in the final vote. A PhD student with no social favors would get the same points as an ordinary citizen with no criminal record.

Law

Note: Image taken from Wikipedia, licensed under CC-BY 2.0.

While most government simply penalize offenders, they do not reward good citizens. In my country, good people would get their extra points. This would make benevolent mankind-bettering efforts worth the bother on all levels, rather than just being a personal, inner need that it is today in most countries.

Thus, the spectrum of politics would be based on logic rather than breeding, which happens across the world today. My voting method would rule out the quantity over quality thingie and allow useful people more influence in this world. Religious parties would be banned. Race-based parties would be banned.

National symbols would include the following:

Never Gonna Give You Up would be the official anthem, the Trollface would be the emblem and the national animal would be either Dangermouse or Gecko. National holidays would include an eight-day-long independence week, just to be different from everyone else celebrating their independence days, the New Year, as well as original airing dates for Miami Vice and Magnum, P.I.

Civil liberties

The country would be as liberal as it gets on one hand and as strict as possible, on the other. For example, corporal punishment would be allowed alongside free abortion and two-year maternity leaves. There would also be a death penalty. The punishment would include the standard array of capital punishment, but also things like assaulting elderly, torturing animals, driving under the influence of alcohol, and more.

Smoking would be banned. Reality TV would be banned. People would be allowed to vote, drive and drink only above the age of 21. Light drugs would be legal, too. Oh, selling drugs or alcohol to minors would also be a capital offense. Prostitution would be legal, but it would mandate taxes and healthcare and benefits and everything. Same-sex marriage would be a normal part of the marriage institution. Body organs would be harvested from all dead bodies. There would be no burial, only cremation, to conserve space and preserve the environment.

There would be a mandatory two-year national service for everyone. Both men and women would be allow to enlist in the army instead. There would be no discrimination, with men-only or women-only duties. The same applies to all emergency services, including firefighting, police, and others.

Cars with automatic transmission would be banned - save for people with handicaps. Speaking of cars, European cars would only be allowed, American and Japanese cars would be banned, except a small collection of reasonable models. For example, vintage Mustang and Pontiac GTO in, pretty much everything else out.

Proper car

Ritalin would be banned. People who take their children to a psychiatrist for ADHD diagnosis as a substitute to good parenting would be jailed. Movies would have to be screened in their original language, with subtitles provided. Dubbing would be disallowed. Computer installations would be in English only. Modding cars with tailpipe rattle, NO FEAR stickers or similar nonsense would be disallowed. Stupid music would also be banned. Crocs would be banned. Open-toe high-heel shoes would be banned. Pinup looks would be banned. Musicals would be banned. Mimes and clowns would be banned.

And Internet would be free! There would be no stupid regulation or bullshit supervisions of any kind. In fact, citizens would have to share using P2P, but only approved material would be allowed for sharing, mostly free and open-source stuff, like Linux distributions. Sharing of copyrighted material would be included in the government education bill, with everyone paying a mandatory monthly fee. Proceedings would go to copyright owners, while users would enjoy instant access to culture and entertainment.

Supervision

Daily news would be replaced by half an hour of soft porn. There would be a mandatory break for yoga or basketball at the workplace. Health enemas would be banned. Writing in lowercase would be banned. Using words like your when it means you are would be an offense punishable by 100 hours of community service. Kids wearing jewelry would be banned. UFO sightings reports would be banned.

Children

People would be granted a parenting license, after proving they are capable of raising children. Tests would be based on a few simple factors, including basic intelligence, education, criminal past, profession, and others. Depending on the test outcome, parents would be granted children points. For example, an average middle-class family would be permitted two children. This means they would be provided with all the benefits the country provides, like extensive maternity leaves, children grants and so forth.

If a family decided to have more than their allotted quantity, they would either not receive additional benefits or even be fined for breaching the civil status quo. On the other hand, domestic housekeeping would be recognized as a full-time job with all its benefits.

Healthcare & education

Healthcare would be free, as simple as that. Education would also be free, including a promised job opportunity for university graduates. In addition to voting favors that education brings, there would also be handsome scholarships and grants. Quasi-disciplines like alternative medicine and birth helping would be illegal.

Twelve years of education would be mandatory. Trades with apprenticeships would also be recognized as valid substitution to formal education. People dropping earlier from school would not be allowed to vote.

At least one and possibly two foreign languages would be taught. The country itself would be English-speaking, with foreign languages including Chinese and Spanish. Physical education would be favored. Real-life education would also replace some of the classic subjects that no one cares about. Classic literature, which is simply depressing and too difficult for children, I mean kids can all easily relate to the light-spirited and ultra-modern nature of Les Miserables, right, well, those depressing titles would be replaced with fun books like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. Religious studies would be banned. Education would also include watching Monty Python. There would be some mandatory volunteering for children, like helping elderly three hours a week or so.

Education

Economy

Money would come from extensive gold, uranium and oil deposits, but failing that, the economy would be based on tourism and high-tech industry, minus the dotcom bullshit. The country would also have a modern and powerful military and sell weapons worldwide.

The standard model would be free market, capitalism and all that, with several notable exceptions. Financial institutions like banks and insurance companies would be strictly regulated. Taxes would be paid based on an incremental percentage level. There would be a cap on public salaries. Doctors and teachers and police officers would be favored. Politicians would have to work pro-bono.

Buying with credit would be severely limited. People would be allowed to take no more than 49% property value mortgage or loan, if that. Negative balance in your bank account would not be allowed.

Stock exchange

There would be no permanent tenures. People could be let go from their workplace at any time, but they would be given one year unemployment allowance if they do not choose to seek further employment or as long as they continue to be rejected in job interviews by potential future employers. Similar terms would apply to people completing their civil or army service and university graduates. However, simply choosing not to work would not grant you any benefits. People who simply quit their jobs would be given three opportunities for re-employment in their profession or one opportunity for studying a new one. Should they turn these down, they would not be given any additional allowances. Moreover, there would a much stricter penal code for unemployed criminals. Volunteering in the community would extend the grace periods, though.

Work week would be five days for most jobs, four days for some, nine to five, no overtime allowed. Retirement age would be 60, but people would be allowed to continue working. The country would permit professional or skilled workers immigration. Foreign investment in real estate and high-tech industry would be encouraged, but the economy laws would be enforced.

Foreign policy

The country would be a nuclear power, and as such, exercise the pompous meddling that most countries do. There would be no definite global policy; it would change every three to six months, wavering between support and endorsement for certain countries one quarter and condemnation the next one. The country would be a proud member of various global assemblies, but refuse to cooperate citing bureaucracy difficulties, just to spite everyone.

In general, Dedoimedoland would favor more modern and progressive countries, but it would exercise no moral superiority on any subject or pretend to know what's best for everyone elsewhere. As such, it would have a strict rule of no military intervention anywhere in the world. However, it would automatically blacklist countries that discriminate people based on race or religion.

The country would also be a space power and sell bogus land plots on distant planets. Dedoimedoland would deploy a belt of nuclear-power nuclear-armed satellites into the orbit and threaten to slow them down if annoyed. Rather than deliberately firing missiles, the satellites would fall into the atmosphere and plunge somewhere randomly, causing a massive environmental hysteria. It would also train a huge force of ninjas, who would be the ultimate reaction force to attacks against the country. These special forces would be sent out on assassination missions against any aggressor.

Ninja

Religion

In general, public practice of religion would be banned. Personal, at-home practice would be allowed. All forms of religion would be tolerated. There would be no government-sanctioned sponsorship of religious bodies of any kind. Religious institutions would be not be allowed to register as charities or volunteer organizations, either.

And that's about it. The end. Full stop.

Conclusion

In a nutshell, that's the perfectest country ever designed. It would be the ultimate punch in order, efficiency, obedience, happiness, and overall quality. It would be based on logic and productivity. No longer would the senseless mass called people rule, but people properly guided and goaded and whipped.

My weighted rule democracy, with me as the one-man veto power, would be awesome, so much better than its classic one-vote counterpart. Not only would it maintain its stability, it would also gain from additional factors that are completely disregarded today, like the actual individual impact and influence on the society.

Combined, the economy, the foreign policies, healthcare, education, and civil liberties make Dedoimedoland the new Utopia that works so much better than the naive, daydreaming ideals of olden philosophers, who believed in the betterment of mankind. I have no such illusions. Hence, I can drive toward efficiency. Rather than trying to make humans into something they are not, let's face the reality and make the best use of the force at hand. Damn, I am winning!

P.S. The images of books, the ninja and the London Stock Exchange are in public domain.

Cheers.

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