Updated: February 11, 2009
So, you have a blog. And it has a whooping 7.6 visitors a day. But you want to be seen and heard. You want your opinion to matter. To help you, I have compiled the Ultimate Guide to website traffic management, RE this article. By following practices therein, you will get your traffic skyrocketing through the ceiling of bandwidth restriction. Here we go.
Writing positive, constructive, helpful things is boring. Only liberals, left-wingers and people who actually care about the world do that. It takes time. It's usually unrewarding. It's definitely not how you get your traffic. You need to be angry, mean, spiteful, rude, and lash out at anything and everything around that moves, kicks or crawls.
Take Howard Stern as a great example. His fans listen to him for 3 hours a day, but his haters listen to him for 6 hours a day. He says so himself in his movie Private Parts. Take Maddox as a fine example. The dude did not get famous by being politically correct and nice about the world.
Here's another sterling example: If there's a news piece about dolphins helping autistic children with speech impediments get better, there will be a meager 1.3% rating to the show. But if there's a report about a child chainsawing dolphins for fun, you'll get triple-digit ratings. And then, after the entire 73 minute ordeal, in all its gory, home-camera quality details, is finally over, you'll get "disgusted" watchers phoning the TV station and complaining, while butterflies of prehistoric, savage glee flutter in the pits of their self-revulsed souls.
If you want to be successful, you must be mean. You'll get nowhere volunteering in forums, writing Linux tutorials, explaining people how to get old games going on modern operating systems. Open a blog and start bashing Bill Gates and Linus Torvalds, preferably together. Write articles like 'M$ sukz' or 'Linux is for losers.' You're sure to get lots of fame.
This is the golden ticket to glory. Start bashing nations, races, religions, minorities, majorities, cults, sects. Make sure you point out how they work hard and take away your jobs, even if you would never work in said jobs for so little money. Then, strike at the other end of spectrum and complain how those Chinese and Indian guys are so smart and always get their PhDs while you can barely sweat through community college.
The racism bandwagon will get you thousands of outraged liberals visiting your website, trying to heal your rusty soul while condemning your erroneous ways. The best part about liberals is that they actually believe everyone deserves a second chance - and will work hard, relentlessly, despite the odds of the cruel reality, to enlighten you.
Beware, 'tis a double-edged sword! Too much racism is dangerous. You might be perceived as more than a petty little hater and this is where your problems begin. See Red lines below for more details.
Writing about flowers is boring. Even if you're really mean about them, no one will care. You must talk about stuff that hurts. If you need material, just open the 3-4 popular news websites and choose 10 topics at random. Go through the election manifests of the most left-wing and the most right-wing parties in your country and pick the topics marked in bold. Google the four holiest places in the world and do some research. To help you out, here's a choicy selection of superb, never-fail topics:
The stuff that always works: euthanasia, homosexuals, religion, Middle East, ethnic minorities, government privacy regulations, abortions, child medications, foreign workers, did I say Middle East? To make successful stories, make sure you blend the ingredients. For example, abortions in the Middle East, homosexuals in religion, government spying on its citizens in country X etc.
You may be asking yourselves what the Yankees have done to deserve special care. Well, the answer is: everything. They are simply the mainstay of the online world. Although Americans are only a fraction of the world population, the sheer influence they leave on the world far surpasses their numerical weight. Most Americans have broadband and frequent the Internet much more than your average global citizen. They are very active online and will easily generate 50% of your traffic.
Furthermore, while the world treats Americans as one nation, they are in fact 50 states, each one unique. Playing on their differences can be a lot of fun. The most basic formula is the Democrats-Republicans division, but if you add geography, the demographics, the Civil War/North-South saga ... oh, boy, you're in for a lot of clicks.
Then, Americans are also fiercely patriotic and feel the need to defend the good name of their nation and country at any given opportunity. Start bashing a few Americans online and your traffic will soar, mostly thanks to Americans coming to the aid of their fellow countrymen.
This is the mother-of-all traffic sources. Conspiracy theories are a magnet unto website traffic. Start writing nonsense articles talking about rainbows in our water (See Youtube for more details), Titanic, Area 51, The 9/11 terror attacks, the Pyramids in Egypt, the alien abductions, AIDS, the secret Russian experiments, radiation, and whatnot, and you'll have thousands of nutcases flocking to your website, sympathizing with you, adding their own versions and warning you to go "under," before secret government agencies snatch you.
Conspiracy theories are ideal, because they don't have to be based on anything, so all you need is your imagination and a few quotes from random sources online to make really, really high-class conspiracy theories. Still, there are several sure winners that you must not omit if you're even remotely serious about conspiracies. These include (but not limited to): CIA, KGB, Middle East, Jews, Masons, Scientology, X-files, UFOs, terrorism, nuclear weapons, mind control, JFK, oh did I say Middle East?
For best effect, make sure you combine the theories. Here are a few great recipes:
Still, there are few things you must never do:
Cursing will demote you to a newb level and effectively scatter away your precious audience. Everyone loves the raving lunatic, but no one likes them when they turn emotional. The whole beauty of being a hater is to stay aloof and untouched by the attempts of society to cure you. Cursing is the weapon of the uneducated. Smart people can be highly abusive without being explicit. Implicit violence is the best sort.
Once you give in to badmouthing, the game's over. This is a sure sign of stress. Your fans will think you're weak and your opponents will think they have won, moving on to the next target - and you don't want that! You may stay cool and focused.
Most of your traffic will come from educated people visiting your website, trying to help you, enlighten you, correct you. They will be misguided masochists, blinded with hope and goodness. Usually, they will be people with brains, since few low-level souls will be able to use the Internet or read properly, let alone follow your wild stories.
You must maintain a high level of verbal intelligence and eloquence in order to keep people coming. Your average liberal will not try to argue with you unless you've read about Occam's Razor or heard of Niccolo Machiavelli.
Spelling mistakes will slice your traffic as surely as a blowtorch through butter. The educated audience will perceive you for a buffoon noob and walk away disgusted, in search of more toothy prey. To really reel them in, you must maintain a thin balance between love and hate, adoration and revulsion. Your followers will loathe you, but if they think you're stronger than they, they'll follow you like a pack of coyotes. That's human nature for you.
Some topics are too hot, though. For example, anything to do with Germany between 1939 and 1945, spoken in the favor of the then regime and its deeds, will nail shut a lead cover on your coffin. You'll be left with a bunch of supremacists as your only audience, arguing who their favorite WWII commander was.
Child abuse is another topic. For a strange reason, people tend to like children, despite them being noisy, costly and smelly. Any article in favor of children abuse will send the liberal moms and dads packing. Bullying old people is fine. Domestic abuse is fine. Just keep away from the little buggers.
Following the simple, yet utterly cunning advice so lovingly elaborated here will make your blog flourish like a VD in a hot sauna. You'll be popular. Everyone will talk about you. The only problem is, you'll most likely end up hating yourself. But that's a reasonable price to pay for a 100 hits a day.
Don't do productive stuff. Focus on hatred. It's so much easier.