Big breasts (a.k.a. Mommy didn't love me)

Updated: July 25, 2006

I am a member of the male gender of the human race. I pee while standing. I like big cars and guns. I am a man. But I do not understand men's infatuation with large-size breasts. I really don't. A few weeks ago, some of my buddies and myself went to a nice respectable pub. We conquered a table, sat down, ordered drinks, then leaned back and started to relax after a long, tedious week of work. The most important part of our relaxation included ogling various specimens of the female gender and grading them - 5.5 was the passing mark, i.e. you would voluntarily, in a sober state, accompany the woman to a bedroom. And then, enter two ladies.

I instantly noticed the one on the left. I gave her a nice round 7. Then I saw the one on the right. She was simply unattractive. Plain face, shoulders wider than hips, no ass, skinny legs. She failed the exam. When I asked one of my buddies what he thought, he said it was a perfect 10! I almost punched him in the face. What the hell? I asked him what he found attractive about her? Her face? He said no. Her waist? He said no. Her behind? He said no. Then he smirked shyly and whispered from the corner of his mouth: "but she has big breasts ..."

Apparently, half of our group thought the one on the right was a "hottie" - and for one reason only. Her final frontier. Damn. How could it be? She looked like a scarecrow with a couple of pumpkins. Stumped by this peculiar phenomenon, I decided to study the case more deeply. Being a true scientist at heart, I tried to mince the complex problem into small bits.


The human eye is a delicate instrument. It's one of the more sophisticated cameras available on the market. It's sharp and reliable, and it does wonders with what we see around us. Unlike digital equipment, our ocular lenses are hooked in directly into our emotional chip, and thus what we see reflects what we feel and vice versa. Human seeing is more than just a collection of colors and shapes. It's a physical experience.

Men with Big Breasts Syndrome (MWBBS) have a different vision than men like me. Their nerve-optical system has evolved from the basic design to one that suits best their emotional palette. The shape of their eye-balls, the pupils, the retinae, and even the concentration of sensors on the retinae have changed and adapted to their needs. For instance, the human eye does not see the infra-red spectrum. The reason for that is the fact the human is a day-time scavenger and has no need to see the prey by its heat signature in the dark. That's another reason why our nocturnal vision is black and white rather than SVGA.

The same applies to MWBBS. Their optics are a hybrid system specifically tuned for their requirements. After a very extensive research, I have been able to come up with some rather startling resulting to prove this. Take a look at exemplar 1. The picture below represents a woman with very large breasts.

Big breasted woman

Human A, who is NOT a member of the MWBBS group will see and mentally interpret the exemplar 1 like this:

Big breasted woman

On the other hand, Human B, a dedicated member of the MWBBS group will see the following mental image:

A pair of breasts

Very intriguing. I then used the powerful MATLAB image processing toolbox to analyze the results. First, I used a IIR low-pass filter on the picture. Then I convolved the neural images from the groups A and B to find the correlation between them. FFT lent me the eigen-frequencies of the images. And finally, Radon transform on the bilinearly interpolated sinogram of the original image gave me what I needed. I got some very interesting results. This is a comparison of what the men from the two groups saw (digital interpolation of retinal imagery):

Interpolation for men without the syndrome Interpolation for men with the syndrome
Group A: The image is seen in full detail; each pixel is equally saturated. Group B: The image is dominated by the breasts only; all of the optical sensors are focused on the target; the over-saturation causes a significant degradation of all and any background details.

This phenomenon is typical to any man in the MWBBS group when faced with big breasts. The occurrence was not related to the woman in the picture at all. In subsequent experiments, I replaced the woman image with empty background, a ship, a dolphin, and even a man's image, and in all cases, the result was the same.

Big breasts equation

Big Breasts (B) is a a very special linear unity operator with a single expectation value of B. In other words:

< bra | B | ket > = B

Men with Big Breasts Syndrome see only Big Breasts. We can't blame them for that. But there must be a reason.

The reason behind the phenomenon

What could possibly cause men to have such a narrow, vector vision? I thought the reason could not be purely physical. A social element was definitely involved. I decided to interview a group of my friends, relatives, colleagues and associates at work, and even a number of complete strangers who agreed to participate in my survey. I asked them about taste in boobs while trying to find a link to their family status, income, level of education, origin, and even religion. All of these gave me no cutting conclusion.

But then ... I went very personal and intrusive. I asked them to describe the relationship they had with their mothers. I wanted to know how freely and openly they could talk to their moms about their lives, whether as teenagers they could consult their moms about girlfriends and "other" life issues, if they could enjoy a mature conversion about sex with their female parent. The conclusion was stunning:

Apparently, the fetish for watermelons comes from a simple childhood deficiency - communications with your mother. Men incapable of solid, healthy relationship with their mothers develop a very elemental attitude towards women. The inability to explore this avenue of emotions severely restricts their ability to attach themselves to those aspects of the woman that require a relatively high level of communication; instead, they remain fixated on the one aspect of communication that was granted instinctively, subconsciously - breast feeding.

In grown men, this lack of communication becomes a huge need - through the one way of communication that they recognize and can adhere to - for attention and understanding, on the most basic of communications levels; the larger the need the bigger breasts. Do not misinterpret the very act of breast feeding with the communications malfunction; even a man that has never been breast fed will not necessarily develop the syndrome if other emotional aspects of his relationship with his mother are fulfilled. Here's a small comparison table:

The level of communication with one's mother The size of the breasts one will prefer
Complete openness; mother is a real friend No relevance to size; anything goes
Slight reservation; one can talk to his mother about almost anything except the most intimate issues B is too small; C is the barest minimum
Medium standoff; one can consult his mother about mortgage, babies or wallpaint, but never about anything that has to do with women; one will introduce his girlfriends to his mother only before a possible wedding D seems comfortable enough; DD is better
Total alienation; mother is a frightening icon of authority Nothing will ever be big enough

No one should be blamed. That's the way it is. The relationship depends on so many levels. However, it is most often dictated by the parents and their attitude in the education of their children, which is often a bit conservative and reserved, resulting in the high number of MWBBS.

If you have ever wondered why you seem so enraptured by tits, here's your answer. If you ever wondered why some men seem to be infatuated by women who may look like a biohazard but with prominent DDs, here's your answer. If you want your male children to grow up to be men more appreciative of other bodily parts, here's your answer. Don't get me wrong. Big breasts are OK. Like a big car; doesn't hurt to have one or two around. But, if the one and only thing you see in women are their boobs, it means your mommy didn't love you ... enough.


You may also like: