How to get best customer service in your home

Updated: January 26, 2013

I was inspired to write this article when one day my wife answered the door with a hammer in her hand, not because she had any intention of bludgeoning anyone on the other side, simply because she had forgotten to put it down in the heat of her home improvement spree. The two delivery guys, each twice the size of her, were quite alarmed, and that made me chuckle.

And so we are here. I would like to give you best tips to receiving best customer service in your home. Often, field technicians and salesmen are rude people, who do not have time or desire to be pleasant, patient and friendly, and yet, you crave for that human touch, and of course, excellent results. On the phone, it's quite easy. You tell them you record the conversations and that you use Linux, and things become so much easier then. However, when the vampires come a-knockin', a different strategy is needed. Mind, it requires some courage, but it guarantee you will receive the best customer service from now to eternity. Let's see how it can be done. Note: This is not some mushy article for bored divorces, so please read carefully.

Make your home customer service ready!

All right. So how do you do this.

Step 1

First, you find a human-sized stretch of nylon and spread it on your floor. If it matches about 2 meters by 1 meter, you're all set. Spread it on your floor, make sure it is a tiny bit crinkled, as if you had just used it in some manner. Then, place the aforementioned hammer casually on top of it.


Step 2

Drip some pomegranate concentrate on the nylon. Do it from some height, to achieve a bit of splatter.


Step 3

Use a pair of latex gloves and smear the drips, then toss the gloves casually to the side, opposite the hammer. Sprinkle some more pomegranate concentrate. If it's too thick, dilute it in hot water and add some strawberry tea.

Latex gloves

Step 4

Basically, you are ready. But if you do not like the final product, you can also partially fold the nylon, as if you are in the process of removing it from your floor. Keep the hammer handy, and you can also drip some pomegranate concentrate on the head for added effect.

Folded nylon

Step 5

Wait for the customer service to arrive. When you open the door and let them in, do NOT, under any circumstances refer to the setup on the floor behind you. Be casual, smile, and tell them how you're in a good mood, and you want everything to be peachy. If they do ask, tell them it's nothing they need to concern themselves with and lead them toward your fridge, modem, washing machine, or whatever it is that needs careful and polite customer service. Mission accomplished!

"I had the gardening shop representative in my home this morning. He was the nicest person I have ever met. After he fixed my lawnmower, he even asked for my permission to leave, now would you believe it! And when I firmly suggested that I should pay him, he told me I was getting a special discount for their most valuable members. How nice!"
--- happy customer


It's all perfectly legal. No one can object that you have special ways of expressing yourself artistically, even though your work may sometimes resembles things that people do not normally expect to see when they enter a stranger's home.

The downsize is, indeed, that your customer service representative may choose to leave in a hurry, and that you may get the police asking silly questions. Then you point out your artistic side, and Bob's your uncle. Make sure you keep your artistic kit handy so that anyone can take a look for themselves and see how harmless it really is. Bonus points, you can also keep a muddy shovel somewhere around, but that's pushing it, and you might end up with your garden being plowed through by the forensic unit, and you don't want that.

This marvelous trolling tip guarantees that whoever comes to your house will make their best to leave a positive and friendly attitude. Your questions about how the modem works and whether you get that extended warranty as a loyal customer will be addressed with courtesy and dedication, just as it should be. And at no time should you feel guilty that your art work inspires people to think about dark things. It's their fault, not yours. Winning.