Updated: May 20, 2016
No matter what you do, you want to be the best, right? From shoe sales to cyber security to running a swingers club, your business reputation depends on so many factors, and being actually skilled to do what you're supposed to be doing is only a small part of the plethora.
In this most awesome, and if you haven't guessed yet, humoristic guide, I shall endeavor to give you the ultimate tips you need to be the total champ of your domain, and make sure that you are treated as an ultra-pro, even if you can barely spell the word. Let us, let us indeed. Then, to top it all off, for dessert, you may want to sample from my social media article for enhanced spiritual enlightenment. Commence.
Always have a business card. Even if they are absolutely useless, and their only purpose is to minimize the bending of your credit card whilst inside your wallet whilst inside your pockets whilst you are in a sitting position. The fancier the little piece of paper the better. Make it golden. Add twirly fonts. Add a photo. Your title must rival that of kings.
Nothing radiates honesty like a smug, fake smile photo with a light-colored background, preferably gray or blue. Make sure you don a suit or some such outfit, even if your job takes you so deep into a data center that you don't even know what sunlight looks like. You will know you have succeeded if you show your photo to friends, and their first and immediate reaction is to want to punch you in the face.
Once upon a time, .com was the bang. Then, after a while, if you wanted to be perceived as a serious business person, you'd have a .biz domain. For those who wanted a more humane approach, .org became the preferred option. Nowadays, if you want to appear agile, and we should capitalize that AGILE, the only way to go forward is with a beautiful .io domain. This automatically means you're flexible, modern, open, you know some fancy words like containers and PaaS, and you have probably read an article on cloud somewhere. This is like the nuclear weapon in your arsenal. Don't be shy. You might want to wait for discounts, though.
You should talk the talk and walk the walk. In 2016, it is no longer acceptable to use words like problem, issue, or stupid. Instead, you should embrace concepts like challenge, softness, and adapting. You should absolutely make sure that your CV includes at least three of the following: Agile, Scrum, ITIL, TOGAF, virtualization, cloud, Internet of Things, futuristic, open, integrated, DevOps, dynamic, diverse, Node.js, AJAX, API, GitHub, Golang, Web application, JSON, Python, drones, Swift, Objective-C, Ionic, bootstrap, Angular.js, Jugular.as, Jungular, Jungle Love, jQuery, Redis, SQL, NOSQL, MongoDB, DongoMB, BongoMD, frontend, backend, backhand, forehand, tennis, table, DOM, data modeling, breakfast cereals. And RESTful, don't forget RESTful.
Make sure you have as many social media accounts as possible. Try to win the Internet by opening all of them. To make it look like you honestly tried, rotate your avatar between two or three favorite photos. Choose casual for less business-oriented networks, e.g. reddit, choose HDR-filtered images of you bonding with the nature, but avoid goats or sheep, on Facebook, so you look mysterious and deep, and choose more of them beautiful business photos for either G+ or Linkedin. However, by no means should you stop there. To make it look even more super authentic, you want to have two or three of these incomplete. Then, post a random question in one of them, to appear enthused and caring, something like:
I tried installing Ruby of Rails under my train today. Anyone else noticed they changed the library?
Then, top it off with an article, but keep it short and sweet like 70 words or so, and ask a question that invites your followers, all zero of them, to respond and engage in honest discourse of intellect, wit and technology. Ask someone to like it or rate it five stars. This will give you mega credit come your golden moment somewhere sometimes, maybe, most likely never.
Climb that tree; climb it like a goat.
This shit is the shit. You are nobody if you don't own a smart watch. Forget about how it works, and if you can even use it. Forget about the price, usefulness or anything of that kind. Go meta. Go higher. You are in there for the long run, and real professionals wear smart watches with brightly colored rubber bands that add youthfulness and free spirit to their personalities. Don't forget to crossfit.
Laptops or desktops are so yesterday. You want to be perceived as someone modern, open, agile. You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means. Make sure your tablet is as small and uncomfortable as possible. Then attach an external mouse and keyboard, but try to use thin, modern-looking appliances. Work by bending down heavily and squinting at a tiny screen. You can enhance the image by using a power bank or a universal charger.
There are some things you must not do, as important as those you do do. Anyhow, in order not to fail in your holy quest of becoming a professional, then in Year 2016 and onwards, these are taboo items. Avoid them like fire, unless you like fire, in which case you should avoid them like fire ants.
Anyhow, the list, in random order: Bluetooth headsets, business suits unless for the purpose of photo shoots, Crocs, snazzy shirts with wicked logos and/or slogans, pet llamas, Powerpoint presentations - go video, VGA ports, pony tails, non-Gmail accounts, Windows Vista, digital photo frames, screensavers, real cigarettes, real cameras, keyboards with special media buttons above the Fn keys, paper clips, clip-on sunglasses, and actual notepads made of real trees and unicorns. Enough.
There you go. The golden formula to success. By following these simple rules, you will have become the king of the proverbial castle, the most desired employee in the multiverse, even Riddick would be impressed. It is all about projecting that happy, bright-colored aura of politically correct professionalism. Real technical skills and knowledge come second.
They say, you can't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. First, let's use metric, it's more modern. Second, rather than walk in someone's shoes, you should buy yourself a new pair, and they should be futuristic and airy and fashionable. And possibly have IoT and an app so you can upload your walking statistics to your lovely .io domain. You must start somewhere, and this guide is as good as it gets. By embracing the rules laid out here, you will forever on be known as a professional. Saying anything else would spoil the perfection. If you have any more suggestions, feel free to email them, and I might include them. Or ignore them.
Note: The images of the ape, business card, dictionary, man in a suit, social media tree, smart watch, and tablet taken and adapted from pixabay.com, licensed under CC0 Public Domain. No professionals, gadgets or company brands were hurt during the production of this article.