Updated: July 3, 2006
It sounds like an oxymoron, but it's actually true! There IS such a show. It's called Life SUKS!™
The show is about a guy called Henry, aged 42, married + 2. Henry is a real estate agent. He lives in the suburbs. He agreed to participate in the show.
|This camera was supposed to monitor Henry's living room but was misaligned and instead watches a row of shoes. Fascinating, isn't it?|
To make the show as authentic as possible, surveillances cameras had to be installed in Henry's house. They were strategically placed to monitor his living room, his bedroom and the crapper. To make the footage look realistic, the video technicians made sure the camera recorded in-house events using high-grain filter to give everything a blurred feeling of real life. True colors were replaced with the faded brown-and-green Vietnam War era colors with the slight after-taste of black and white. The bedroom camera, specially tuned to record Henry's confession before he goes to sleep, was fitted with a wide-angle lens that would create a slightly oval impression of Henry's rather chubby face, with emphasis on the tip of his nose and the little whiskers coming out of his nostrils. Brightness, gamma and all that were significantly offset to create a hazy feeling of a rave party taking place outside in foggy daylight.
However, no real footage is real without little numbers in the corners. You must have a counter-like figures jumping in each corner of the screen, ticking in a random fashion. Without them, a video is bleak and soulless. And if you can add a sort of a tiny flicker along the top edge of the screen - just a few black pixels that go on and off every few seconds - it's a definite winner.
|This is where our hero Henry takes a crapper every day|
Henry is a simple guy. He's neither smart nor stupid, neither too fat or too thin. He does not have special talents or skills. He's nondescript. Making a TV show about his life seems like a bad idea. But wait till you read Henry's blog.
Henry is a great blogger. Before going to sleep, he spends at least an hour in front of his laptop, writing down about his day. It's a great read.
The show follows Henry in his day routine. The cameras at his home mainly record empty rooms because Henry spends about 16-18 hours a day at work. Henry is slightly workaholic. But Henry is not alone. A team of cameramen follow him around, taking random shots of him at his workplace, talking on a phone, filling a glass of water from a bar, waiting morosely for a document to come out of the jaws of the floor printer, stretching in front of his PC, talking on a phone some more.
|Henry blogging in front on his super wide-angle bedroom camera|
Henry is usually the last guy to leave the office and go home. Back in his four-room rented flat he's been living in since the dispute with his wife, Cindy, last month, Henry quickly showers, grabs somethings to eat, watches some TV, and then goes to his bedroom. And before he goes to sleep, he sits in front of the camera, opens his laptops and starts to blog.
Sometimes, he talks to the camera, sharing his thoughts with the viewers. Sometimes, he just thinks aloud. Most of the time, he's hunched over his laptop, typing.
Life SUKS!™ is a great show. It's vibrant and lively and so full of hope and colors. It's definitely the best reality TV show ever produced.
To whet your appetite, I have included a few lines from Henry's blog. Lean back and enjoy!
Monday, 10:22 am
Phoned Cindy twice. She won't answer. Talked to my lawyer George. Tells me I should try to reach some settlement with the wife, cuz things don't look good. George says neighbors saw me with the gardener and he fears wife could try to persuade them to testify during divorce negotiations.
Monday, 10:35 am
Called the gardener. Told him to come to mow the lawn on Tuesday 12:00.
Monday, 12:04 pm
Went to eat in the company diner. Had some macaroons and rootbeet salad for lunch. Drank water. Wiped by hands with a napkin. Talked to Ben about the game.
Monday, 13:22 am
Finished eating. Back in office. Called Samuel. He says he'll buy $5,000 short.
Monday, 13:39 am
Went to the restroom.
Monday, 14:44 am
Did three push-ups. Feeling in great shape.
Monday, 15:03 am
Got an urgent call from Cindy. Our daughter Alice didn't come home after school. Alice's friend Nina says she hooked up with some guy called Jonathan after school. Jonathan is 18 and he's a biker. Our Alice is 15.
Monday, 15:12 am
Called Alice on the phone. No answer.
Monday 15:14 am
Boss calls me in to a meeting. Turn off the cellular and go into the meeting room. We discuss business over a slide show and some muffins.
Monday 17:22 am
Meeting finished. Went to the restroom. Turned on the mobile. Have 7 missed calls from Cindy. Call Cindy. She tells me Alice still didn't come back.
Monday 17:35 am
Cindy calls again. She tells me she called the police. She tells me that girl Nina cracked and told her the truth. The girls were smoking pot with Jon and his buddies after school. Alice went to Jon's place. Boss calls me. Tell Cindy to take care of the things. Hang up.
Monday 21:59 am
Finish work. Realize some punk scratched the paint off my car. Drive home.
Monday 22:30 am
Get home. Shower. Eat. Sit down. Call Cindy. She says Alice is back home. She's stoned but safe. She lost her wallet. Cindy took some pills and whiskey to calm herself. Cindy is singing on the phone. Hang up again.
Monday 22:55 am
Take a moment to think my life through. Getting divorced. One daughter virtually a dropout, now a junkie too. The other following close in her sister's tracks. Wife drunk. Work sucks. Had no raise in 4 years. Car paint scratched. Life sucks.
Monday 22:56 am
Get up, open the nightstand drawer. Rummage in the pile of medications and pull out the pistol. Cock it. Sit in front of the PC and write down this blogggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
Want to know what happened? Did Henry's keyboard got stuck or did something more sinister happen?
Stay tuned for the next episode of Life SUKS!™