The intricacies of female footwear (RE high-heel shoes)

Updated: July 12, 2008

One of the most ... curious phenomena in the world is the female supernatural ability to walk on high-heeled shoes for hours without end, something that would have caused the staunchest of men to weep in agony. This has remained one of the great mysteries of modern times ... until now, for I have unveiled it.

To fully understand the phenomenon, we need to dissect it into little bits.

Reasons for wearing high-heeled shoes in the first place

Some of you may have seen a few movies featuring men in wigs strutting about 17th century courts with their calves draped in silk hose and their feet clad in high-heeled shoes. Or you may have read it somewhere. Well, this fashion began with a vertically challenged French king, who could not bear the fact most of his servants and noble retainers were much taller than him. So, he was faced with a difficult challenge:

  1. Cut everyone's feet off.
  2. Invent an aid that would boost him in the eyes of his people.

Wisely, Louis Whatever (one from I to CXIII) chose option 2. For a few decades, men suffered grueling pain in the small of their back until the guillotine was invented and the wicked men were removed from the power.

But how did women come to wear these shoes? After all, it was a manly thing.

Well, we all know that women were always treated as second-best in our benevolent and enlightened history. They always got the short end of the stick. For the first time, the men were actually jealous of their wives, who were comfortably strolling about in flat shoes, while they had to suffer prancing in heels. This could not be tolerated.

Men painted the shoes pink and sprinkled them with spangles and Voila! Bob's your uncle! Women started wearing the shiny, useless things. To everyone's shock, there seemed to be no ill effect. The women were happy! It was impossible!

Men wanted to ban the women from wearing the high-heeled shoes, when the more brainy of our peers stepped in and pointed out the few subtle improvements in overall female looks resulting from the change. Since, high-heeled shoes are the man's favorite piece of decoration.


Hah! You probably ask yourselves how the women managed to trick men in the late years of the 17th century? Because, aren't we all basically the same? Men walk on two feet - and so do women. What makes the difference?

Until very recently, this was one of the greatest secrets of medicine. Thanks to the advancement in the computerized imaging technology, we are finally, for the first time, able to understand the reasons for female superiority in footwear.

Here's an MRI scan showing the lower back of a typical male And here's one of a woman. Ta-dam!
Interpolation for men without the syndrome Interpolation for men with the syndrome

No, you are not mistaken! Women have springs in their lower back.

Now the tricky part - Logic

Since, the times have changed. Today, fashion dictates the needs of the modern, liberated woman. Unfortunately, we see an alarming trend. Female shoes are getting uglier by the day. The man's favorite decoration is being turned into some sort of a mutant Barbie shoe show, far from the original concept.

Which brings me to the third element of this here article - logic. Women managed to trick us with their anatomy. But what about the beauty or style? Do they possess yet other weapons we might not be aware of, which could justify the new, modern lack of taste?

The answer is: no.

As a rule, women will wear anything, provided it is payed for by someone else's credit card. This means that men will be forced to suffer the fluctuations of the fashion trends, which currently take us from logic and beauty. Until a savior arrives and redesigns the high heeled shoes to become once again what they used to be in the good old days - a hours de ouvre to a nice healthy meal ...

To demonstrate how difficult the times are today, here's a little demonstration of the recent fashion logic:

Here's the look of a "modern" high-heeled shoe, the latest rave:

High heels

Something is fishy here, wouldn't you say? Cause I was under the impression that a heel stands for the bulge at the back of a foot. But we can clearly see that the little spike elevating the foot is mounted mid-sole.

To really understand how disturbing this trend is, let us imagine a perfectly ordinary T-shirt. Now, T-shirts have this tendency to have these so-called sleeves, for these so-called arms, which are usually located on the uppermost torso. Like this:

Normal T-shirt

Now, if we were to follow the shoe logic from before, then we can safely place the sleeves somewhere in the middle. Here's the result:

Abnormal T-shirt

For the connoisseurs among you, I have created a little GIF animation, demonstrating my divine skills with GIMP.

Animation of two T-shirts

See? So dear women, please stop buying these abominations and go back to the old, plain high heels that actually made us turn our heads rather than puke inside our brains.

Dedoimedo out.

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