Dr. von Kackensprecher answers your questions, Volume 1

Updated: May 3, 2014

Our weekly pearl #1

Dear Dr. von Kackensprecher,
Last week, I came back from work late and I discovered that my wife is cheating on me. I stumbled into our bedroom and discovered my wife was in the bed with our neighbor, Cindy ...

Dr. von Kackensprecher answers:
Vait, vait, vait! Are you telling me your vife vas in ze bed viz anozer voman?

Uhm ... yeah. Anyhow, dear Dr., I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. I was so shocked, I just walked away, without saying a single word. In the few days, I have been thinking a lot about what have happened, and I feel regrets about my reaction. I don't think I acted ... right. I feel anger bubbling inside of me. I'm not sure what to do? What should I do? What should I have done? What would you have done in my place?
worried 36

Dr. von Kackensprecher answers:
In your place, little mensch, I vould have joined zem.

Our weekly pearl #2

Hi, I'm Guss. I was wonderin' if you could help me with the choice of a car. I wanna buy a car, and I ain't sure what to buy. I can't decide between Hummer or Land Rover Defender. Both are damn good cars. Some say the Hummer is better, some say Defender is better. What do you reckon, doc? What should I buy?
Guss the plumber

Dr. von Kackensprecher answers:
It depends on ze size of your ... vat is it called ... eine Latte bekommen ... freudenstab, your Johnson, yes.

Our weekly pearl #3

hi im samantha, lol. i need to ask u a question. last week, i told my mum i wanna have piercing just like all other gurls in the skul, lol, but she said it was for slutty gurls, but then i told her i'm old enuf to do what i want to, and then i went to my friend, kim, she's like the best friend i have, and then we went to this tatoo and pircing shop, and he was like aren't you to young, and i said like its not ure problem, and then we paid him, and now i ahve this cool dolphin, lol, but my bellybutton got all red and swollen like,so im worried, cuz if my mum finds out, she's gonna kill me, and im gonna be grounded for like a month, and she won't let me chat with my friends on myspace. what should i do

Dr. von Kackensprecher answers:
Ah, stop it, stop it. Zat pink color is hideous. Don't ever send me a letter in pink! As to your problem, young fraulein, I zink lobotomy is ze best solution!

Our weekly pearl #4

Esteemed Prof.
I am an electric engineer and I work at a large power station. Recently, I discovered I have a fetish for capacitors. Just looking at their shiny, cylindrical shapes makes me feel flushed. I am at a total loss as to what I should do. Do you suggest some sort of medical help? Should I try to talk about this with my colleagues? Should I perhaps visit our psychologist?
With regards,
Gerard (a.k.a the electron perv)

Dr. von Kackensprecher answers:
Young man, you should not be worried at all. Your problem is vell know and is razer quite common among engineers. But ze solution, ze cure if you like to call it zat, is very simple. You need to find a very large capacitor, very very large, somezing like 10-15 farad. Zen, you need to charge it to its full capacity. And zen, you need to get undressed and touch ze electrodes viz your hosenschlange. All your troubles vill be solved instantly!

Our weekly pearl #5

Dr. von Kackensprecher,
Last night, God came to me in the form of a white angel with wings and talked to me. He told me I was destined to greatness, but I must uphold my virtue and continue on the path of the righteous. I am so excited! What should I do?

Dr. von Kackensprecher answers:
You should not believe every vord a prostitute tells you.

Craving more of Dr. von Kackensprecher's golden advice?

More excellent tips in Dr. von Kackensprecher answers your questions, Volume 2!

Do you have a question for Dr. von Kackensprecher?

Write your letters to:

Dr. Karl Ludwig von Kackensprecher, MD, PhD, PMS, RoFL
Selbstbefriedigung Kastell, Postfach 3231
Geschlectsakt grafschaft

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