Hardon particles - not a typo!

Updated: June 15, 2012

In physics, hadrons are composite particles made of quarks, held together by the strong force, or as they like to say, the force is strong in this one. There are two families of hadrons, one called baryons with three quarks, the other called mesons, made of a quark and an anti-quark. Say quark ten times in a row fast. A typical example would be a proton particle.

And there's the famous Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in CERN, where nerds with lots of academic degrees are trying to bring the world to an end by producing a black hole. So all in all, hadrons seems to be friendly little buggers we need. Now, you may be wondering what hardons might be. A different kind of particle?


Hardon definition

Hardons are man-made particle emitted by male brain whenever it registers the presence of a female in its vicinity. The creation of hardons in the brain is usually triggered by optical stimuli; for example, you see a woman, you start creating your hardons. Hardons are electro-weak particles, so they only interact with their anti-particle.

The hardon anti-particle is called feminon and it's created whenever a hardon registers upon a female's body. Unlike men, who require usually a visual cue to synthesize the particles, feminons are more like pheromones, and they register across the entire range of sensory cells. In fact, the female skin is abundant in feminons, with as many as 12,000 feminocytes per square centimeter. Even a single hardon hitting the female skin is sufficient to cause a massive production of feminons.

Hardon example

Now, you may think I'm writing bollocks, but here's an irrefutable real life example for you. You have all been there. You see a woman, 20 meters away, across the street. She is walking away from you, she hasn't seen you. In fact, you're in the company of your significant other and you only dare a quick, furtive peek. Still, the other woman will almost instantly, instinctively lower her shirt by half a centimeter down, shift her bag or any other subtle little gesture intended to protect her physique from your particles. Here's the illustration of that:

Figure 1: The woman in her usual semi-paradoxical attire - she chooses somewhat revealing clothes, i.e. anything less than a deep-sea diving suit, but does not wish to be ogled by men. Notice the position of the bottom hem of the shirt.

Showing flesh

And now the hardons come:

Hardon particles, firing

Hardon particles, smile

Figure 2: A stray hardon hits her receptors. Instantly, the feminonine, the protein designed to annoy men, is released into the blood and causes her to pull the hem down ever so slightly. Unlike, hardons, which are generated in the brain, feminons are triggered unconsciously.

Flesh covered

Need more proof?

The science is baffled

The scientific community has still not figured out the subtle mechanism of the hardon-feminon interaction. It appears the feminons are produced in some situations, but not always. It is also entirely possible that hardons have flavors, much like quarks. Thus, for example, if a woman is hit by a married-man hardon, she will not be really interested, which could explain why women always tend to fidget with their clothes when you entirely accidentally gawk a bit while in the company of your significant other.

There are also the wealthy and engineer flavors of hardons, which usually creates 1/10th of particles than normally happens. It appears that the feminon creation, the amplitude and as well as the phase, are entirely dependent on the incident particle rather than the woman's eigen state.

The one way to really study hardons would be to produce a Large Hardon Collider (LHC-TNG), specifically designed to explore the massive interaction of hardons and feminons at high energies. One such proposal is to use any of the ultra-decadent European countries, book a stadium for a week, and have 100,000 people participate in a massive collision of sorts, ahem.

Feast with benefits


There you go, you have it all figured out now. Male hardon particles interact weakly with feminons to create a particle anti-particle reaction, which in turns creates energetic photons that trigger a reaction in the feminocytes, producing the feminonine enzyme, which causes increased levels of subconscious modesty in women. The intensity of reaction depends on the hardon flavor, usually dependent on the man's social status. There's even a Feynman diagram that describes this reaction, but I couldn't be bothered, you can imagine one, if you like.

And you can stop wondering what kind of magic it is that causes women hundreds of meters away to be alert to your presence and make subtle adjustments to their attire and stance and whatnot. Moreover, it emphasizes the almost universal perception among women that they think someone is stalking them. They are not being stalked, it's just stray, lost particles coming from far away. There you go, physically explained. Can't beat that.

P.S. The images of particles scattering and the feast are in public domain.


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