Updated: February 13, 2013
Finally! I have been waiting for one for so long. In the six and a half years of Dedoimedo's existence, I have received only three mails that could be categorized as hate, two of which have been written with little passion or style. But recently, my inbox shivered with ecstasy when this great piece of literature landed inside it. Not really a hate mail, but close enough.
Well, it all began after I posted the 3D gallery titled Child's play. As you know, half of the 3D section is maintained by my significant other, who also happens to dabble in 3D art, including Google SketchUp, Kerkythea and a few other dedicated interior design programs. For some reason, the mail senders seems to have missed this little detail or decided to ignore it. Or just chose to be trolling or lulzy. What follows is a beautiful prosaic drama. Do read.
Note: Image, courtesy of memegenerator.net.
The mail
Here it is, in its uncensored form, and then we will digest this, piece by piece.
"Written by: Dedoimedo's significant other. This one was commissioned by
a friend. She recently bought a house and when I offered to help out
with the design, she asked me to design the kids' bedrooms. Quite a
challenge and a great honor.
There are two rooms in this model. One is meant for the firstborn
daughter and the other is to be shared by her two younger sisters. There
were almost no special requests or limitations other than room size and
door and window positioning. There was one specific request though, no
pink! "
What.
I thought you were gay! "Firstborn daughter" and "her two younger
sisters" suggests you are not - at least, I have not heard of any
large-scale adoption project. I also very much you adopted the children
of a woman that is about to bear triplets. Slovakia is a small
ex-communist country and I doubt that many other countries offer up
children for adoption there...
So what is happening?!?!?!??!?! You became bisexual?? You need to go all
the way when you're gay, otherwise you're just lying. Don't conform to
society's expectations, I understand that in a small formerly communist
Eastern European country life is difficult as a gay man. But you can't
be expected to fuck something with a vagina when you don't want to. You
should go to another country like Sweden - they love gays there and your
blonde hair and Aryan features (somehow not Slavic, though I understand
Slovakia was once in Central Europe) will help you get along well.
You should split up with her or expect a life of misery. You are not a
pop star yet, you don't need to marry a woman like Freddie Mercury did.
Remember: it gets better.
Analysis
Let's see what gives.
I thought you were gay! "Firstborn daughter" and "her two younger
sisters" suggests you are not - at least, I have not heard of any
large-scale adoption project.
Do you mean gay as in merry? Or perhaps homosexual? How am I gay if my wife is designing a 3D gallery based on requirements by her female friend, who happens to have a handful of children? Besides, I think it is quite common for gay people to adopt children, no?
I also very much you adopted the children
of a woman that is about to bear triplets. Slovakia is a small
ex-communist country and I doubt that many other countries offer up
children for adoption there...
Now, this is good. The first sentence doesn't have a verb, but it's fine. Apparently, this lad thinks I adopted someone and/or their children. No one is about to bear triplets, she already has them, they are just building a new home and need someone with an interior design knack to design the bedrooms. Slovakia? When and how did that happen? Does that mean I am Slovak?
So what is happening?!?!?!??!?! You became bisexual?? You need to go all
the way when you're gay, otherwise you're just lying.
Need to go all the way, sounds good. All the way where? As far as I know, I have not become bisexual.
Don't conform to
society's expectations, I understand that in a small formerly communist
Eastern European country life is difficult as a gay man.
I am definitely not conforming to society's expectations. However, I do agree that life for a gay man could be difficult in a small formerly communist Eastern European country. Does that mean Slovakia is located in Eastern Europe? Or does that mean life for gay men is not difficult in large formerly communist Eastern European countries?
But you can't
be expected to fuck something with a vagina when you don't want to.
I definitely cannot be expected. Do goats count? And I do want to. I love the pussy.
You
should go to another country like Sweden - they love gays there and your
blonde hair and Aryan features (somehow not Slavic, though I understand
Slovakia was once in Central Europe) will help you get along well.
Swedish people, hear hear! Do you love gays over there? My blonde hair? Aryan features? Thank you. But I am neither blond nor am I in possession of Aryan features. My hair is just light brown. And again, I am not from Slovakia. I also like how you allude that Slovakia was once in Central Europe. It has not moved much in the past several thousand years, so I doubt the geographical definition has changed. However, I am glad I will get along well in Sweden, as this was my next tourist destination.
You should split up with her or expect a life of misery. You are not a
pop star yet, you don't need to marry a woman like Freddie Mercury did.
Remember: it gets better.
Split up with whom? My wife? Why? She is an engineer and does not want kids, she makes great sammiches, plus she likes to shoot AK-47. What more could a man want in a woman? Oh, I did not know that Freddie was married. Finally, I am wondering what gets better. Homosexual activities? That's interesting to know. If one day I decide to become one, I will surely consider Sweden as a destination so I can practice my new hobby full throttle.
Conclusion
Well, I thoroughly enjoyed the mail. I am still not 100% sure the person was not just trying to troll or have a bit of innocent fun, or if we had a slight case of miscommunication. Either way, it was totally worth it, and I'm glad for the email. What I failed to provoke in dozens of my deliberately inciting articles, I managed to do in one innocent art gallery. Perhaps that's the recipe. Rather than rant about smartphones or whatnot, this is the key.
There you go. Yes! Finally. Hate mail. I am becoming popular. Anyhow, if you want a moment of spotlight, this is all you need to do. Send me a beautifully worded email that questions my sexuality, the color of my hair and geographical location, and you're all set. Yes! Winning.
Cheers.