Updated: October 28, 2020
You, ordinary person. I'm talking to you. Are you tired of sitting on the sidelines and watching all the fun and drama that is the Internet pass you by? Would you like to get involved in other people's lives more, even if they don't need it? Would you like to teach and enlighten others about higher moral issues they didn't know existed? Worry not, you have come to the right place. Today, I will teach you all it takes to become a fearless Internet fighter.
In this most beautiful article, I will show you the tools of the trade, the lingo and the methods you will require to not only assert your dominance on the Webz like the alphaest of dogs, you will also be enriching the lives of people around you with a unique new perspective on current affairs, past affairs, future affairs, and things that might never happen. Embrace that aggressive in passive-aggressive. To be active is not to be passive. After me, let's look at what it takes to be an online champ.
Your location on the planet is important. You can't be a good Internet warrior and activist in a country where you might get censored (hihi), beaten or worse. No. You need a place where people will tolerate your bullshit. Western democracies are a good fit in general, but you can do one better. Look for truly superior places like California or Oregon, because they are the most westernly parts of the West.
Remember: Superior location gives you superior morality.
Being a good Internet warrior requires good language skills. But paradoxically, it almost exclusively applies to English. If you speak any other languages, you are much less likely to be a successful online trooper. It has long been proven that bilingualism and polylingualism reduce your egocentric bias, which can harm your perspective and opinion of yourself vs reality.
Remember: A true linguist only needs 140 characters to say it the way it is.
Don't be poor, lol
Alas, poor people are too busy working and providing for their families to be truly dedicated and passionate online fighters. Good activism takes time and dedication, so you need a solid financial umbrella to support your endeavors. Besides, what do poor people know about the struggles of the upper-middle class against the oppression of the rich people? It is your duty to use your wealth and privilege to fight against those who have more wealth and more privileges.
Remember: You can't expect people who have never had to pay 5,000 dollars for monthly rent in the Silicon Valley to know how hard it is to afford such lifestyle.
Embrace a new modern-day cult I mean, find a worthy cause
The next step is to find something to fight for, or against. The important thing is, without fighting, there is no war, like logic, duh. Luckily, the world is full of things you can stand behind. Or against. Once again, superior location helps here. If you happen to live in a country with strong principles of traditional religious adherence and habits, it will be much easier to translate those values from the old creeds into the new creeds. The concepts of exclusiveness and heresy also apply.
Some of the popular causes include, but not limited to:
- Anything that ends with the suffix -ism - Take your pick.
- Climate change - However you toss your coin, you win.
- Environment - An extension of the above. Use your experience of living in a highly industrialized society to help others be in touch with the nature. Also remember that whatever you do will not have any adverse impact on people living in rural societies worldwide.
- Health (and food) - Your access to wealth and plenty gives you the superior right to preach ascetic lifestyle illumination and gastric spartanism based on self-made revelations.
- 2020 has a special bonus - The current pandemic thingie. Not only does it give you a phenomenal glimpse of the social and political currents from a hundred years ago, you can also profess your non-expertise in mathematics as well as ride the wild tangent of a whole range of associated health-related topics.
Remember: Globalization means you get to share your views with everyone around the globe.
Join social media
Now, you are ready to step into the real world. I mean virtual world. Social media allows you to share your experiences and then get instant reinforcement from like-minded people. This way, you are also more efficient, because you can champion a cause without even ever getting out of your house, lolz. Imagine traveling to pesky places like Tanzania or Tajikistan! Instead, you can sit in a coffee shop somewhere nice, drink a soybean latte and talk about things that you know are important to other people. Brilliant.
Remember: People are waiting for you to tell them how it is. Your superior mastery of location, your exclusive use of language, the deep understanding of the global macroeconomics, and excellent proficiency in statistics should make you into an unbeatable champion of whatever cause you decide to fight for.
How to champion a cause
Now that you are ready, it's time to find a battle arena.
- Choose a domain you believe has not been aligned to how you believe things should be.
- Create a controversy around a topic and then accuse those who do not agree with you of dissident qualities. People will rush to defend themselves, which implies guilt, and guilt implies wrongdoing, which makes your actions justified in retrospect. Logic ftw!
- Pioneer the superior morality cause using your superior linguistic skills.
- Make sure the process is conducted openly and honestly on social media.
- Use the likes you get from like-minded [sic] people to reinforce your actions.
- Seek to educate, but if they refuse, seek to eradicate.
- Generalize until they realize.
- Offense is best defense.
- Ad-hominem attacks are always useful, because they cut through the red tape of fact into the hive of emotional activity. The use of evocative exclusivity also helps. If they are not with you, they are against you, and everything you stand for, which is superior humanity and tolerance.
- Make sure you have well-defined checklists and cookie cutter templates to divide people based on things they say but also - this is the best past - things they don't say but that you know they think. Like mathematical induction! This way you do not need to know much about a person to label and classify them. For example, if someone says they want to use a plastic straw with their lemonade, this automatically means they want to kill all the turtles, therefore advocating for the destruction of the planet. It's amazing how much you can get from one small piece, I mean straw, of information!
- Never forget your higher cause - you are doing it for the benefit of people who don't know they need what you think they need. Because all those other people come from less advanced places than yours, you can't expect them to know what they need, so it is your duty and obligation to make their choices for them. If they disagree, remind them that they don't have your global, pluralistic views. For example, you can't expect people in Poland or Turkey to know about diversity as much as you do, because they don't have a 20,000-ft mountain view like you do. Often, when people are stuck in the middle of something (like the eye of the storm or a major demographic shift like the Second Partition), they can't see the holistic view of their predicament. This does not apply to you, though, because you have a clean, unbiased perspective.
Remember: The same way you don't expect kids to understand Quantum Mechanics, you can't expect people who don't have your level of spiritual enlightenment to understand higher concepts like inclusiveness and database hierarchy terminology.
Also remember: The word Slav (ethnic group) does not come from Latin.
Half-facts are best facts
Ignorant people are easy to ignore. And so are people who only bother with cold, hard facts. You want half-facts, which are snippets of factually true situations, events or phenomena that ignore the other snippets of those factually true situations, events or phenomena. This way, you can champion your cause without having to worry about logical fallacies, contradictory information or, worst yet, anything that may challenge you.
It is also important to go against anyone who disagrees with you, because you can't have people spreading information that is based on the other half of your half-facts. I mean half-information.
Remember: If social media was wrong, how come all those likes?
There is no wrong in righteousness
The very word tells you all you need to know. Logic. Don't let trifles like cultural differences deter you. If people didn't want to communicate with you, they wouldn't be on the Internet. Your role is like that of a stern parent, who spanks their offspring for their own good, except you're not a parent, the people online are not your offspring, and spanking is wrong, lolz. Instead, you are educating them, and you are indeed doing it for their own good, even if they don't know it yet, because they don't have your advanced, modern way of thinking. The more you repeat and amplify your message, the truer it becomes.
Remember: Loud voices overpower less loud voices. Be the speaker that booms.
Fight fire with fire
The Polish Huszars didn't win the Battle of Lagow by sitting down for a hearty debate with Talabuga khan around a camp fire, rofl. The Internet is a battlefield, your battlefield. You need to win, otherwise how will people know you are right. Don't forget, time is on your side, because most people are too busy working to invest sufficient energy in protracted battles on social media. This is also further proof that what you're doing is right, because if people really believed in what they do, they wouldn't give up or concede defeat, which again, makes your actions justified in retrospect.
Remember: Meekness is weakness.
Populism is the new individualism
Individualism divides the society into too small chunks. It's also undemocratic. On the other hand, populism is very democratic! Because the root of the word comes from Latin, populus = people. Which means if you are being populistic, you are the voice of the people, ergo you are being democratic, and in Greek, demos = people, so you are the voice of the people for the people! You cannot go wrong when TWO ancient languages full of philosophy agree with you!
Remember: People will try to tell you you're wrong by disagreeing with you.
Censorship is your friend!
If you prevent other people having a different opinion to yours, then there's higher chance everyone will agree with you, which is very democratic. History shows that societies with higher levels of censorship always have higher levels of happiness, because people who live in agreement with one another are more harmonious. Dissident thoughts breed resistance.
Remember: If you control the information, you can help others realize what you know they need to know.
Quality is inequality
You must never let things like personal abilities, skills and experience stand in your way. These penalize people without personal abilities, skills and experience. Because you live in a democratic country, which means everyone is equal before the law, therefore equality must apply on all levels.
This means people who don't deserve certain positions or compensations for their (lack of) participation in the society should be allowed to have the same privileges like those who do deserve them, because that's how democracy works. Democracy also includes hereditary traits, so don't overlook those.
Similarly, since you're trailblazing the way on behalf of all those people living in un-democratic countries, who don't have your problems, you must show them the way how to achieve democracy, and that is by doing like you do. Logic. They may accuse you of being ignorant, but that is typical of people in faraway places like Urugway, Senegal or Uzbekistan, because they don't have your view and understanding of modern trends.
Remember: Poor people cannot afford to be rich, but rich people can afford to be poor.
If you are a little confused on what you should do next, you ought to spend time reading books and essays from well-known champion(s) of democratic change, including but not limited to Machiavelli. Such works explain the fine nuances of how to master the oratory domain, so you can successfully amplify your message on all social media channels. A great example where past knowledge can be useful in modern media!
Remember: He or she who neglects the past can also neglect the future.
A glorious end to a glorious guide. Now you know what it takes to be a successful online warrior. It's not about hard work, it's not about essence, integrity, tolerance, or anything silly like that. It's about helping others realize the errors of their ways through firm application of irrefutable principles of your broadminded convictions, which stem from your geo-socio-political superiority. As the old adage says, if you can't beat them, get more people, and then beat them.
This article was composed using the latest advancement in AI/ML, fake news, censorship, trolling, social media tips and tricks for career improvement, and Linux, built on top of serverless container cloud microservice servers hosted in a solar-powered coal-based leased data center offshore farm, and has been carefully screened by a most diverse team of fact checkers and truth seekers.
P.S. All of the images used in this article are in public domain.